Mirrored Lives
by sakurademonalchemist
Summary: Some might say that the Fuyuki Fire was more than a tragedy, it was a second chance. Iris Emiya is the adopted daughter of Kiritsugu...except she isn't. The reality is that she's the trapped form of Ranma Saotome, once again stuck in his cursed form. Given a second chance to grow up, she decides to enjoy the childhood she lost. One that comes with it's own challenges!
1. Chapter 1

For most, the Fuyuki Fire was a great tragedy that ripped apart their lives. For others, it was a chance to start fresh with an _almost_ clean slate. And for fewer still it was a chance to grow up a second time.

Ranma Saotome was a twenty-something martial artist who had literally dedicated _everything_ to the martial arts, even the most obscure and ridiculous-sounding ones in existence. (Who had ever heard of martial arts tea ceremony or martial arts calligraphy anyway?)

It had gotten so bad that his life was beginning to fall apart realizing there were almost no humans alive who could match him in the Art, save for two old ghouls who should have died centuries ago. Neither of which would train him further for the simple fact that he had to make a compromise which went against everything he believed in.

Happosai wanted him to become a pervert like himself, and basically abuse Ranma the same way he had Genma and Akane's father Suou. No a chance in hell and he was sick and tired of being blamed for the damn panty thefts.

Cologne, or Kon Long, wanted him to marry Xian Pu (Shampoo) and start pumping out babies to add to the collective gene pool of the Amazons. Considering the hell Akane gave him for the simple fact his father had set up so many arranged marriages, the idea of having more than one wife had been beaten out of him. Especially after the twice-failed marriage to the girl.

Ranma had consigned himself to a personal hell of former rivals, fiancees, and angry ex-fiancees...he really, really didn't want to marry Nabiki since Kasumi had finally been married off to Dr. Tofu after he successfully tricked everyone into believing the second marriage was actually for her and the man who'd had a crush on her for years. Akane was actually happy Ranma had more or less convinced everyone that the Tendo wedding was for her older sister and not her. And in the end no one could really make a fuss considering Kasumi deserved it for being the single most patient person in the whole mess, having learned to take things in stride and go with the flow after the first few months of the whole engagement nonsense.

In any event, the Fuyuki fire turned out to be a genuine blessing in disguise, as Ranma had more or less begged Ryoga to get him the hell out of Nerima for a few weeks, or at least until they found MORE of those stupid age mushrooms that Akane had mistakenly put into the food she had somehow managed to cook.

And that should have been the first clue she had done something horribly wrong. It actually tasted _edible_.

Ryoga had taken pity on Ranma and gotten him thoroughly lost, thankfully in Japan in the same dimension. Just not before Cologne tried to manipulate Ranma into marrying Shampoo and getting it over with by locking the pseudo-girl in her cursed form. Again. For the third time that month.

Ranma had spent two days stuck as a girl, having long since become resigned to spending far too much time in his curse form. At least it wasn't an animal that people ate or raised as domestic beasts. That would have been beyond awkward.

So when the fire started, she didn't think twice.

She started pulling people out, the phoenix pill she had swallowed years ago making her more or less impervious to the flames. She had absurd fire resistance...the same could not be said for her clothes.

By the time she managed to rescue a boy with red hair and vacant brown eyes, she didn't have a stitch on her.

Ranma had no idea that the flames were magical in nature, or that something was forcibly removing memories for each moment she spent in the flames saving people as fuel for her invulnerability to fire.

It wasn't a by-product of the pill, or her fight with Saffron before the first failed wedding, but part of the vindictive and pissed off force that fueled the unholy flames that claimed over five hundred lives.

Angra Mainyu was a god based on negative emotions, and Ranma's life had been shitty enough that the moment it sensed her aura it was drawn to it. It was a side effect of wanting to know more about such an arrogant force of nature, and it didn't care if she forgot the very things that made her so confident and arrogant.

As a consequence of this the girl who had once been known as Ranma Saotome, the heir of the Saotome Anything Goes Martial Arts, simply forgot.

That wasn't to say she forgot all the things she had spent her entire life training for...she still remembered all her techniques, her abilities, how to manipulate chi to a certain extent.

But personal information like who her parents were, her original gender, her fiancees, everything that made her _Ranma_ was simply...lost.

She was a martial artist without a name, without a home, and with no reason to ever return to Nerima to fulfill an obligation she had never agreed to in the first place.

In a way, the fire and the consequences of attracting the attention of All the World's Evils to the point that it absorbed her past gave her the very start she needed to make a clean break from the rut that had become her life.

So when the man who rescued her and the boy she had more or less been carrying outside of the range of the blaze offered to adopt them both, well, she didn't hesitate to say yes to the idea.

After all, she couldn't remember who she was.

* * *

 _Two years later..._

Iris Emiya was annoyed. To put this into perspective, one must go back to a month prior when her father Kiritsugu _promised_ to be there for her tournament against another school.

Her brother Shirou wanted to become a hero, like he believed their father to be. He wanted to smile the same way Kiritsugu had the day he carried them both into the arms of the paramedics treating the few survivors of the fire.

Iris wanted to become the number one martial artist in Japan. She was already captain of her team, and she had asked Kiritsugu if he could delay his regular trips so he could be at the tournament.

Instead he had _forgotten_ the promise he made to be there for her, and she was pissed.

However she managed to hide that fact successfully to the point Kiritsugu fully believed she had accepted that he had forgotten.

She hadn't.

During one of his trips, she had convinced Taiga to get her a proper passport so she could follow her father onto whichever plane he boarded and find out what the hell he was doing for months on end.

Considering her surrogate older sister had been more than peeved as well for him leaving them alone for weeks at a time, she helped Iris get a passport without his knowledge. She also made a point to track whichever flight Kiritsugu would get on and would buy the ticket.

Hiding from him long enough to get on the plane was up to her though.

So she took her time, made a travel case so she could have her own clothes to wherever Kiritsugu vanished to, and waited.

It was a scant two months after he came back, and suddenly he was preparing for yet another 'trip'.

Alerted to the obvious signs he would be gone for days, Taiga set her grandfather's men on the hunt, and they came back with a ticket to the Black Forests of Germany.

Iris managed to slip under Kiritsugu's radar, even passing him once on the way to the bathroom without him even recognizing her, and by the time they landed it was far, far too late for him to send her back.

She would have raised one _hell_ of a stink had he tried.

…...

Kiritsugu _barely_ avoided shooting his adopted daughter when she dropped down from the window without any prior sign she had followed him.

He stared at the smug red head with disbelief.

"How?"

"Taiga tracked down the airline you used, and she helped me get a passport. The fact that there weren't any seats near you helped the stewardess believe you had to get separate seats in different isles," explained Iris.

"You shouldn't be here."

"And you shouldn't have forgotten about the promise you made. Besides, I'm sick and tired of having to deal with explaining to the damn teachers that you're out of the country, again, for weeks at a time," Iris shot back irritated.

"Iris, if they find out..."

"Who is they? And why are you in Germany?" she said, crossing her arms and tapping her foot in warning.

Kiritsugu winced. Iris was as stubborn as a mule, if not more so. If she didn't like something, then she was likely to charge in a full frontal attack and damn the consequences.

It had nearly gotten her killed when she almost successfully broke in to the Matou mansion to help out her friend Sakura, who had a bit of hero worship for the older girl because she managed to beat up a few bullies.

If she knew about the worm pit, she definitely wouldn't have let it stand and would have tried to sneak out to save her friend. She was loyal like that.

Recognizing there was no way he was getting out of this without a massive argument, he slumped slightly.

"I have a daughter who's being held as leverage by her grandfather. Even though my wife did her job and died for it, he decided to take the fact I failed to do mine personally so he's kept her from me. I've been trying to reclaim her ever since," he said reluctantly.

"THAT'S why you've been leavin' me and Shirou alone for weeks on end? You're trying to get our sister back? Why didn't you just say something?" said Iris.

"Because I didn't want either of you following me! Look, just stay put while I try another tactic to get Illyasviel back."

"What does she look like?" asked Iris, sounding openly curious.

Kiritsugu had one photo of Illya. Iris memorized it before handing it back.

However she didn't stay put in his hotel room like he ordered her too. No, somewhere deep inside her mind the remnants of her original self stirred into action. Fragments of memories involving _years_ spent in the wilds, even in forests practically saturated in wolves and other creatures started to waken.

Iris didn't even think about the consequences. She didn't think of the danger she was putting herself in.

Somewhere in the forest was her adopted sister, waiting for their dad to come find her and bring her home. Only their dad couldn't get to her because of the security and the fact her grandfather was an asshole.

A petite body practically flew through the trees, silent as the night and faster than most native species. Wolves would look up after catching her scent, but she was too fast.

She didn't even feel the bounded field around the area, but she saw the castle in the moonlight. A few miles away, Kiritsugu was attempting to get past the castle homunculus, who were under strict orders to keep him away from his daughter.

So it was only natural that when she came face to face with the girl in question, Illyasviel was naturally suspicious of the fact that her adopted sister was there.

Especially considering the sheer amount of overkill when it came to security. She had had to go invisible a few times to get past the idiots walking around like they owned the place.

"Who are you?" asked Illya.

"Are you Illyasviel Emiya?" she asked cheerfully, hanging upside down much like a monkey would from the rafter above. Considering how high up it was, the albino girl was silently impressed with the red head. And more than a little disturbed.

"My name is Illyasviel von Einzbern," she said curtly.

"Are you the daughter of that idiot Kiritsugu or not?" said Iris.

"How do you know my father?"

" _Our_ father actually. And the idiot is trying to break in, but he sucks at being subtle. He's going to be pissed I got in before he did," said Iris smugly, dropping down like a cat. Though if you said that to her face she'd freak out and start looking for said feline.

Iris was _terrified_ of cats for some bizarre reason.

Illya's attention was fully on the red head.

"What."

Iris held out her hand.

"Hi, I'm you adopted sister Iris. Shirou's back home."

Illya stared at her, her mind currently going blank.

How was one _supposed_ to react to their adopted sister showing up out of nowhere like this?

"What do you want?" she asked finally.

"Well dad's been _trying_ to get you back for a while now. So since I'm here I figured I'd ask if you wanted to join me and head home to Fuyuki. Unless you like this drafty ol' castle," said Iris. She had her hands behind her head, completely at ease despite the situation.

Illya _stared_ at her.

"And how were you planning to get me out of the castle without having the homunculi chasing us down?"

"Like to see them _try_ ," smirked Iris, her arrogance at full force. "I can take on some sissy maids like them any day, and their mission won't be to target you buy me anyhow. Makes it easier to take them down."

Illya gave her a look.

"Not kill?"

"I don't kill unless I have to. And most people have trouble getting up from multiple broken bones and several concussions. When I want something to stay down, it had better stay the hell down or it's going to be in for even _more_ hurt," said Iris smugly.

Illya weighed her options, then decided purely out of boredom to go with her.

If only for the entertainment of watching her die if they got caught.

"If we're captured I'm claiming kidnapping and you had better knock me out," said Illya flatly.

"Fair enough."

Making it look like she kidnapped Illya would at least insure that her sister got away with the fact she had gone willingly if they were caught. And it was easier to carry an unconscious person at high speeds than it was to carry someone screaming in your ears and trying to choke you.

Illya packed her bag and once she was securely on Iris' back so she wouldn't fall off, Iris hit a pressure point knocking her sister out cold.

After that she carefully managed to sneak out of the castle...even if it took her four long hours and another application of the pressure point to get out of the forest successfully.

* * *

Kiritsugu couldn't help it. He was staring at a very smug Iris...with Illyasviel firmly secured on her back with some thin rope and a bag slung across her shoulder.

Seeing his disbelief and shock, Iris was very smug indeed. She even held up two fingers in a classic "Victory" sign to show that she was fully aware she had done what Kiritsugu had begun to believe was impossible.

She had successfully absconded with his biological daughter.

Illyasviel woke up a little stiff, but the second she saw him her eyes filled with disbelief. Iris quickly unbound her sister and after a few wobbles Illya tearfully hugged their father for the first time since he left.

He looked at Iris and said flatly "I don't know whether to ground you or give you a raise in your allowance."

"You could always look the other way when I do something that isn't entirely legal," she offered.

The girl was obviously a master thief and adept at survival. It was the only explanation of her infiltration and escape from the well guarded castle.

"...I'll start your training on how to break into bounded fields when we get home," he said finally.

She would never be an assassin, but a thief? That she could do.

Iris _loathed_ the idea of using her skills to kill. However she didn't hesitate to start fights that she usually ended up finishing with gusto.


	2. Chapter 2

Iris and Illya got along well. Too well in the opinion of the boys. For one thing, Illya dove into the chance of learning martial arts after a brief, if rather terrifying (for the other party) demonstration of what one could do if they seriously learned martial arts.

They still didn't know where that panda came from, or what sort of grudge it had against Iris. All the Emiya family knew was that Iris hated the animals almost as much as she hated cats.

Though hate was the wrong word for what she felt about felines. It had taken two X-rays of her skull before the doctors accidentally found the cat's claw embedded in the bone, and a long unpleasant talk with the cops and social services before they realized that the damage was too old to have happened while she was in the care of Kiritsugu.

Whoever her parents were before, they would immediately be charged with child neglect and endangerment after that discovery.

Either way, her fear of cats had finally been explained, and the psychologists in Japan absolutely _refused_ to make the phobia go away after one particularly dense idiot tried to ease her into the idea of tolerating cats using a doll and a voice recorder.

He would live, but his practice was in need of either a new building or some very expensive renovations.

Either way after seeing the mess Iris left of that panda (which later turned out to NOT be a panda, but a man cursed to become one...apparently he used the curse to dodge police, and Iris was more than happy to have the jerk arrested for trying to kidnap her) Illya's interest in martial arts sparked.

She was no stranger to training with a pain requirement...though under no circumstances would Iris put her through the cat-fist, as the horrible technique she had used in the doctors office when he brought out the cat doll with the voice recorder had been identified as...but the rest of it? Yeah, she'd teach Illya everything she remembered.

If only to have a partner in crime when it came to beating people up who genuinely deserved it.

It was terrifying and downright emasculating...if Shirou cared for that sort of thing. Kiritsugu was surprisingly okay with the idea because of one simple fact.

Illyasviel would terrify any boyfriend _long_ before he came around to scare them, and if they could handle dating her after seeing the increasing damage she could do to people, then maybe they deserved to be with his daughter.

As for Iris, it was becoming increasingly obvious that she liked girls. As in she would never be interested in another boy the same way she was another girl.

And then their somewhat peaceful life was complicated by something that would almost turn everything upside down.

Iris turned into a _boy_ without warning in the bath. His yelp was loud enough to attract the attention of everyone in the house, only for him to partially slip and turn on the cold water, which reverted him back into a her.

Remembering the issue with the panda months ago, Kiritsugu started asking questions.

And shortly before she turned eleven, a lot of things came to light.

One, Iris was apparently under something called a "Jusenkyo curse" from China. Two, she wasn't actually eleven, but somewhere closer to Kiritsugu's age. Three, she had lost her memories of who she was before during the fire. Four, both parents were alive...though one of them was in jail for attempted kidnapping.

Apparently the 'panda' was in fact her biological father attempting to abscond with the girl and force her back to face an absurd number of fiancees she had not agreed to. And the mother had some screwy ideas of being a 'man'.

It was agreed by the entire family that they would forget anything had happened and that Iris wouldn't do any further digging into her birth name.

After seeing a fraction of the police reports from Nerima and all the chaos that followed (not to mention the number of girls following this "Ranma" boy attempting to marry him because of his father making a large number of illegal contracts) Iris gladly put that life behind her.

She was happy living with her brother and sister. And it gave her something else in common with Illya, who was several years older than they were but was stunted physically.

Iris was learning 'chi' patterns in an effort to find a way to reverse that, in between the lessons with Kiritsugu on how to become an even better thief.

She had accidentally found out that their dad was under a curse...and her teacher helped her to fix his 'pathways' to the point where he had to get regular treatment to keep them from trying to kill him.

At least until he could afford the treatment which would remove the curse entirely, or to the point where it wouldn't kill him until long after his children were happily able to support themselves.

It was obvious that 'chi' followed the same pathways as circuits. And that learning how to use it had lead to him not dying before Shirou turned twelve. Iris was a toss-up, because she had been de-aged through the use of something called age mushrooms, and Illya was older than she looked because of the way her grandfather manipulated her biology before she was even _born_.

Their family was beyond unusual, and while there was the occasional chaos around the children, they were happy.

* * *

 _Two years later..._

There was a minor celebration among the Emiya family when they checked Illya's height and found that she had grown three inches in three days. Her appetite had increased to the point she was now matching Iris...though at least Taiga had been able to scare the red head into actually having table manners within the first week of living with Kiritsugu...but the simple fact was that they had finally found a way to help Illya age.

She would be playing catch up with her friends and her sister, but the fact was that her body wasn't stunted anymore.

They had almost despaired to the point they would buy some of the same age mushrooms that had caused Iris to be mistaken for a seven year old.

The simple fact of the matter was that even a tiny victory was a victory for them. And that meant celebrating.

Which meant Kiritsugu decided to take them out to eat rather than have Shirou make everything.

Shirou, who's desire to 'become a hero' had not diminished in the least and had a need to 'help others' that bordered on the pathological.

Having realized _how_ deep seated Shirou's 'need' to help others was, Kiritsugu had done the smart thing.

He threw his son into the same doctor's appointments along with his 'sister/brother' Iris.

It helped, but the issue ran too deep to be solved without a lot of therapy.

There simply wasn't much of a selfish bone in his body, and it was clear he put others above himself in a way that was absolutely not healthy.

Which, ironically, lead to Iris finally coming up with a dream that she could work towards and hopefully curb Shirou's suicidal tendencies before they got him killed.

Iris would dedicate herself to helping Shirou become a "hero", but also keep him from doing something stupid.

Saving people was something she could agree to. And if Shirou was going to be a selfless idiot who couldn't put himself into account while trying to save people, then Iris would do it for him. And Illya would be there to help make sure their brother didn't get himself killed being an idiot.

Illyasviel was the only real "Magus" in the family, Iris was the thief and resident protector, and Shirou was the idealist who kept them alive with his cooking.

And he had an enthusiastic testing ground for any new concoctions he came up with.

It was an odd trio, but it surprisingly worked well.

It gave Kiritsugu peace of mind knowing that the three would literally die to defend the other two, no matter how irritated they were at one of the others.

* * *

 _One year before the Grail War..._

"What."

"I want to summon Herakles," repeated Illya to her father.

"Why? More importantly how would you summon him?" said Kiritsugu.

He had explained about the fire, and how _he_ had started it to prevent Angra Mainyu from being reborn. However instead of making the war wait _longer_ to restart, it had made the wait _SHORTER._ By fifty years, apparently.

Something he was definitely not pleased with.

"What's a Grail War, and why does dad look so pissed about something?" asked Iris. She wasn't really _known_ for her tact.

"The Grail Wars, or Heaven's Feel, is a Magus ritual in which seven human Magi summon a 'Servant' in order to do battle. These Servants are ancient heroes and anti-heroes who became so famous that their legends are remembered long after their death. People like King Arthur, Medusa, Jack the Ripper, or Alexander the Great. Daddy summoned King Arthur last time on Grandfather's orders," explained Illya.

Iris stared at her.

"And you want to summon the half-god son of the Zeus?"

Illya nodded happily.

"I want to see who's stronger. Nee-chan or the strongest man to have lived in ancient times," said Illya.

"I'm game! Just so long as you can call him off until the rematch, Fairy-chan," said Iris eagerly.

"I can tell him he's allowed to maim, not kill you," said Illya, nodding.

"Wonder what I'd summon..." said Iris, already thinking of it.

She would be considered a barely decent second-rate Magus, whereas Shirou was a third-rate one because of his unusual element and origin.

Iris was lucky...she was an Average one, though some of her elements had been switched out. For one thing she couldn't do _anything_ using water, but for some bizarre reason she could use ice which was close enough. And her fire and wind elements were off the charts. Her origin was a double one. She had Body and Spirit.

The day Kiritsugu attempted to teach her reinforcement, they accidentally discovered she had been doing it unconsciously for years...to the point that her body reinforced itself naturally whenever she began to warm up for any form of martial arts.

So Illya taught her how to unlock a pair of Mystic Eyes instead.

What she got was a mixture of the Byukugan and the Sharingan from the _Naruto_ series.

She could see _chi_ signatures of everyone around her for roughly three miles, five if she pushed it. And when she was watching a boxing match with Illya and extending her _chi_ beyond her body, when they came home she suddenly knew _exactly_ how to perform several of the moves.

However she swore never to use that trick unless she had challenged the owner of the moves to a sparring match...she was too honorable to watch their moves and just steal them, and she couldn't really get a read on how they were supposed to feel simply by watching.

She took pride in her ability as a martial artist, and she would have been pissed if someone who had the same abilities as the Uchiha clan showed up, stole her moves and then didn't even bother to _train_ them in order to make them her own.

Shirou occasionally joined them for morning stretches, but most of the time he spent mornings cooking up enough food to feed an army.

"Probably some martial artist or another," said Illya, sticking her tongue out at Iris.

"Wonder who I'd get if I summoned one," said Shirou. He had enough skill to qualify as a Magus, but no aptitude for it.

"Not a chance in hell. Illya I would allow to summon, and possibly Iris, but you shouldn't summon anyone," said Kiritsugu flatly. "You would end up getting yourself killed in the first fight from trying to prevent the deaths of the other masters, never mind that the catalyst inside you would almost certainly guarantee you'd get MY old Servant...which considering she had a fondness for cats..."

Shirou winced at the unspoken implication. Iris and cats did not mix. Ever.

"What about without a catalyst?"

"I still don't want you to summon any Servants. One of the unspoken rules is that you're allowed to kill other Masters. It's practically encouraged that you do so, as they are easier to kill than their Servants. And while Illya might have no issues with it, and Iris would likely weaken any Master until her Servant finishes them off, you don't have the same mindset. The only way I'd help you in summoning one is if the Grail chooses you without any input from you whatsoever."

Shirou winced at the fact there would be blatant murder involved, and decided not to press his luck. Well that and he had mostly been curious who he would get anyway.

Illya got lucky. She summoned Herakles on the first try.

And as she promised, she only told him he was allowed to _maim_ , but not kill her sister. Iris knew her limits, if she had any, and it was clear she was spoiling for a decent fight since all the people in the martial arts clubs in schools around the country were too damn weak to give her any real challenge. For them it was a sport or a hobby, not something they would fully dedicate themselves to.

Iris spent most of her time training, playing games with Illya or watching shows with fighting in it...namely ones like _Naruto_ or _Bleach_...and for her martial arts wasn't a hobby. It was a passion.

The only time Kiritsugu put his foot down about it was if she was injured, sick, or if her grades were slipping.

The one time she let her grades go below a 'C' average, Kiritsugu had her banned from club activities. She was allowed to do the stretching, but she couldn't participate until she got her grade average up. After that she got the message...a month of only stretches had been pure hell.

* * *

Iris went all out on Herakles, who despite his mad roaring was clearly enjoying the challenge she presented. Iris was very much a battle nut.

Strangely, the mad Servant didn't need to be called off, despite Iris having taken out nine of his twelve lives through trickery, skill and sheer power. Knowing he wouldn't actually die unless she killed him twelve times had released a few inhibitions she normally had.

It meant she didn't really have to hold back as much on her absurd strength.

Once they both got it out of their system, the two fighters nodded (or as close you could get with Berserker) and silently acknowledged the other's strength.

Didn't mean Iris wouldn't hesitate to 'play' with Berserker on the weekends. Berserker clearly enjoyed having a decent opponent, because he treated Iris _almost_ the same as he treated Illya...even if he wouldn't follow her orders.

Kiritsugu _had_ to take multiple pictures of Berserker carrying Iris' petite form on one shoulder while Illya sat primly on the other giving him directions. It was somewhat hilarious to realize that the girls were cheering on the mad Servant to go faster, as they rode on his shoulders. Meanwhile Kiritsugu and Shirou would watch from the castle parapet while the girls had fun.

He was sure wherever his wife was, she was watching with a smile on her face...and something close to a mocking laugh watching her daughter riding Berserker through the dense forest with her adopted sister cheering both on.

Of course remembering Irisviel (who Iris was named after) also brought back the rather strong memory of the massive argument Taiga had with Iris over the fact she had very little sense of common decency.

Namely that she had no problems with taking off her clothes, and rarely wore a bra when she hit puberty.

He didn't know _what_ Taiga had said or done to the girl, but ever since she made sure to always wear a bra or a breastband under her clothes. Nothing Taiga did could convince her to quit wearing boys briefs though.

All he knew was that Iris had pointed out the large number of thefts in the Nerima district involving women's undergarments and how she would prefer not to deal with that if she ever visited the district famous for martial arts.

Though for some reason Iris _really_ wasn't inclined to ever visit the area, despite that fact.


	3. Chapter 3

A shaggy haired man walked into Fuyuki, with no little amount of trepidation.

He had been told under no uncertain circumstances to track down what he could about what happened to his rival and sometimes friend.

Because he was the reason why Ranma went missing from Nerima in the first place, and because he had been blackmailed into it, Ryoga Hibiki had reluctantly agreed to look into the issue if he ever ended up back in Fuyuki.

The place felt as bad as the last time, which was why he had actively avoided it after the initial visit.

Sighing, the perpetually lost man started walking around, hoping his curse would activate and get him to leave sooner rather than later.

He didn't expect to run into a _female_ Ranma and a slightly younger girl who could have passed for a snow fairy with red eyes. Literally, in the case of Ranma.

"Watch where you're goin'..." started Ranma though the fact she didn't instantly recognize him was slightly confusing and more than a little worrying.

"Who are you and why haven't you apologized to my sister for bumping into her like that?" demanded the snow fairy girl, tapping her foot ominously.

"Sister?"

This girl was a dead ringer for Saotome's cursed form!

Suddenly the other girl who might be Ranma pointed at him.

"No way, you're Hibiki Ryoga, the Eternal Lost Boy! I follow your page all the time and people still debate whether the entire site is a hoax because they can't believe how you get lost all the time!"

Ryoga sweatdropped, having been clued in to the website by an amused Nabiki who asked him to wear a shirt that she could sell to his fans. He honestly had no idea people were following him online...and the site had only gotten _more_ popular when he started wearing a GPS tracking device which would automatically update the site if he was in the area for more than four days. He knew how to turn it off, though he rarely did it.

The only reason he didn't use a normal GPS was because they had discovered it was rendered useless around him.

Ryoga had two options...he could either find out if this was Ranma once and for all and turn off the GPS before his fans accidentally told the world where his rival was... or he could leave it on and bring Nerima to this place.

He didn't think twice, he turned off the GPS and decided to discover why Ranma had been off the grid...and still a girl long enough to be called 'sister'...for close to eight years.

The snow fairy picked up on the fact he clearly knew her sister first.

"You knew Iris before the Fire, didn't you?"

"If she's who I think she is, then yes."

"Come on then, you can join us for our evening run and then you can explain why your here," said Iris.

* * *

"So let me get this straight. You were blackmailed into coming to Fuyuki to find this Ranma guy because you were the reason he was in Fuyuki in the first place?" said Illya.

"Ranma accidentally ate age mushrooms and turned into an eight year old again. He begged me to get him out of Nerima for a while until we could find a way to reverse it, but Cologne, the Elder from the Amazon tribe locked him in his cursed form shortly before we left in another bid to get Ranma to marry her great granddaughter. We lost contact with him three days after he came here."

Iris winced.

"Iris and Shirou both survived the fire, though in Iris' case she had partial amnesia. All personal information like her family name or history was wiped clean, and I found her half-carrying Shirou out of the blaze. Since they were both orphans I took them in," said Kiritsugu, putting down his tea and frowning.

"Wait, amnesia?" said Ryoga, looking at Iris.

"I remember pulling people out of the blazing buildings, but something kept draining my energy. By the time I rescued Shirou, I was completely naked and had no memory of what my name was, much less where I was from," said Iris. "And when we had a clue about this Ranma guy who sounded a lot like me, we read the after-action police reports. No way am I ever going back to Nerima if it means being mistaken for him."

"If anyone from the Nerima Wrecking Crew saw you, they'd instantly think you were Ranma in his cursed form again. Have you ever changed into a boy?"

"Once, but after I was apprenticed to a chi master he had the curse blocked from turning me into a boy again. That was unsettling enough the first time," shuddered Iris.

Ryoga blinked.

"You managed to lock your cursed form?"

"Master Midori said it was because there were plenty of ways to 'lock' a shape-changing curse...but only because my female form is the curse, not my original. He also mentioned something about being able to change the curse form itself, but it's rather painful."

"Anything has to be better than turning into a small black piglet," said Ryoga without thinking.

Iris snorted. Ryoga blushed as he hadn't meant to say that out loud.

"Hey, while you're here and waiting to get the curse fixed to something else, maybe you can join me for my weekend spars with Berserker!"

"...Berserker?" repeated Ryoga, not knowing _why_ that name filled him with fear.

"Well I've been experimenting with weapons lately, and last week I had a naginata added to my collection. So I'm going to be figuring out which one suits my style while playing with Illya's Servant. He seems to like trying to kill me as much as I enjoy going all out on someone who is insanely hard to kill."

Like was a mild word for it. Berserker and Iris would spend _hours_ doing insane stunts while trying to kill each other, until one of them admitted defeat. Generally when Iris knocked out more than a few of his lives. She once kicked his head clean off using pure strength.

* * *

Ryoga would watch close by as Iris and "Berserker" tried to kill the other.

"Dear kami...if this was what Ranma would be like if he went all out and didn't have inhibitions about killing his opponents..." said Ryoga, more than a little disturbed.

It was pretty clear Iris was more or less using her newly acquired naginata to launch her higher than normal before delivering devastating attacks from above. Which made perfect sense, because the Saotome School focused on aerial attacks and speed.

Seeing Ranma's cursed form fight without holding _anything_ back was downright terrifying. And to be honest, he had been avoiding Nerima for a while anyway because it just wasn't the same without the pigtailed boy there.

Besides, the only thing waiting for Ranma was a marriage he didn't want or need, all because of his damn father.

Mind made up, Ryoga decided he would keep the fact Ranma was not only alive, but living another life in his cursed form to himself.

The only one he might tell was Nodoka, who genuinely worried about her son.

Genma hadn't been seen for a long, long time as he had been arrested and thrown into a jail with chi inhibitors.

From what little they had been able to find out, Genma had been charged with the attempted kidnapping of a female minor. A minor who kicked his ass so bad he had been sentenced while still in the hospital.

Nabiki had attempted to find out the name of the girl in question, but the name had been withheld for legal reasons, as they didn't want any possibility of a repeat.

When Iris came back to the castle, with a rumbling Herakles carrying her, she cheerfully jumped down onto the stone steps.

"Definitely Ranma. He's the only martial artist I know who could use even a _fraction_ of those aerial tricks you did."

Iris made a face.

"I really don't want the chaos of **his** life anywhere near mine. I have enough on my plate keeping Shirou from gettin' killed from being an idiot."

"The only one I'd tell about you is Ranma's mother...just be warned, she has some screwy ideas about her son. She might not take it well that you've decided to stay a girl."

"Then don't tell her immediately. In a few years we'll be out of high school and able to travel on our own. If she doesn't take it well, we can just leave Fuyuki," said Iris.

"That I can do," said Ryoga. "Will you mind if I tell them about the amnesia?"

"Again, wait a few years so we can make sure they don't have any trails to follow," said Iris. Or until she had sufficient proof that she **wasn't** Ranma Saotome enough to keep any contracts from sticking.

Ryoga left after that, but agreed to keep his silence and avoid Nerima for as long as humanely possible...or until Iris did something that got the attention of national news and they found out anyway. He knew for a fact that Nodoka still watched martial arts tournaments in hopes of finding her son alive. She even read magazines hoping his desire to perfect his Art would get attention and lead her to him.

Considering Iris stayed in girl form and was the captain of her team, it _was_ only a matter of time before her mother found her again.

Iris had her circle made, and her _chi_ was at it's peak.

It had been hell memorizing the stupid incantation, as she was more used to training her ass off to gain new abilities. Even her approach to Magecraft had fallen under the same category, as she would train until she either got it right or she figure out why she couldn't do it.

Shirou didn't have that drive, even if while teaching Iris how to awaken her circuits Kiritsugu discovered entirely by chance that his son had apparently heard him _wrong_ about how to do it. He had had some improvement upon finding out that Shirou had been using his own nerves rather than his natural circuits to perform magic.

Still, Iris somehow managed to memorize the entire thing, even if her attention span still wasn't the greatest if it didn't involve martial arts.

However what she intended to do and what she did would bring forth entirely _new_ headaches.

"Hear thee!

I command thee to my side

And entrust my fate in thy sword.

Heeding to Holy Grail's refuge.

If thou surrender to this will and reason, answer my call.

Offer thine oath.

I embody Virtue in the Eternal World.

I chastise Evil in the Eternal World.

Thou art the Seven Heavens harboring the great spirit trinity.

Come forth O Keeper of Balance!"

Iris said everything right, even her circle was acceptable considering what it was. And yet it seemed that the chaos that surrounded the man once known as "Ranma Saotome" was intent on stirring up trouble in her relatively peaceful life.

Either that or the Jusenkyo curse which Iris had locked decided it wasn't going to let her just _summon_ a Servant that easily without SOMETHING happening. Oh no, it had to cause mischief!

Which was why Iris suddenly gasped as pain flooded her _chi_ pathways, causing them to react violently. She could feel all her chakra centers flare up in warning and almost collapsed from the sheer power that was being pulled from her.

Something had to give, and that something was the summoning itself.

Where she had only intended to summon a Servant suited to her, Iris somehow managed to summon TWO...and one of them _wasn't_ a Servant at all!

When the flare ended, and she was able to stand without collapsing, Iris wasn't the only one staring at what she had brought forth.

On the initial circle was a man in blue armor, a blood red lance casually poised against him. He had a distinctly Irish appearance and a cocky attitude to him.

It was blatantly obvious from the ease which he held the staff that he was Lancer.

The other figure, which was behind and to the right of Lancer was a figure Iris knew far too well after finding out that there was a strong possibility she had been born as someone else from another part of Japan.

Long dark raven black hair, cocky attitude, Chinese clothing and a stance that spoke volumes of how many hours he spent training in the Art... the only person he could be was the male version of Iris.

Ranma Saotome.

"Iris...what the hell did you do? I thought you memorized the spell correctly!" said Illya.

Seeing Lancer tense, Iris was quick to explain.

"Easy! It's just my sister. I thought I did the summoning right too, but something weird happened in the middle of it."

"Are you my Master?" asked Lancer, eyeing Iris suspiciously.

"I'm your Master...and the master of the teen behind on your left as well I think."

"I am Servant Lancer," he said, confirming her guess.

All eyes turned to the other teen, who was looking decidedly confused at the moment.

"Come on, you mean to tell me that all I had to do to be rid of my curse was to summon something for a magical fight?!"

"Ranma, right?" asked Iris, wondering if this meant that she never had to worry about the 'lock' on her curse coming undone.

Ranma Saotome still had a lot of missing gaps in his memory, but he did remember everything that happened as Iris.

That being said, he was more than happy to change his name and hide the fact he had more or less separated from his girl half. Or that he remembered part of who he actually was.

If anyone asked, he would claim Iris as his 'missing twin sister' and pretend that they had been separated after the fire.

"Oh and before I forget, no killing Shirou or Dad, and absolutely no starting fights with Berserker. If you want to fight something, wait until the weekend so we can have a proper free-for-all," said Iris.

Lancer blinked at her, before a slow grin appeared on his face.

"Let me get this straight...you're going to fight me _and_ Berserker at the same time on the weekends?"

"I've been kicking his ass all over the place during weekends, when I'm not training or away for my club. Besides, since you clearly know how to use a staff-like weapon, that means you can help me fix some of my stances. I've mostly been using my naginata as a launch pad before I bring a beat down on Illya's Servant," said Iris.

Lancer looked decidedly pleased about that.

"I have the feeling this is going to be a very amusing relationship," said Lancer, grinning like a loon.

That grin seemed permanently grafted after he realized that he had landed a Master who was as big a battle maniac as _he_ was, and had some actual skill that didn't involve magic.


	4. Chapter 4

Kiritsugu was actually skipping the sake and going straight to the hard liquor. He had a decent stock of alcohol after he realized the sheer level of chaos Iris was capable of generating around her if giving the opportunity.

Case in point, accidentally creating her own twin, never mind that he was technically the original personality.

Fortunately Ranma was happy to pretend that he was Iris' long-lost twin brother who had tracked her down, and that "Lance" was the friend who helped him.

It kept Taiga from asking questions they certainly didn't want to explain.

That being said there was the small legality of the fact that because they _really_ didn't want Ranma's many fiancees to track him down, and he had no way of proving he had graduated despite the fact he had gotten an actual education the second time around, Ranma was technically the _same_ age he had been the day the madness that sparked his departure from Nerima in the first place.

And that meant he either had to get a job (to support the massive food bills, as Shirou was already employed) or he went to the same school as Iris and hoped for the best. Lancer was lucky...he could go incorporeal and not have to do anything, even if Shirou was insane enough to insist on feeding everyone, including Berserker.

Rather than risk his luck (or the ensuing boredom of attempting to get a job), Ranma went with the sensible option.

He joined Shirou's class, because the one with Iris and Illya had too many students as it was. Fortunately there wasn't anyone close to Nabiki's level of stalking/blackmailing, as no one questioned his identity as Ranma Sohma.

(Iris had been watching _Fruits Basket_ earlier that week and he happened to be a fan of Kyo, despite the fact he was cursed with Year of the Cat.)

That being said, Kiritsugu did not want to deal with yet another overpowered teenager.

He had enough on his plate handling Iris and to a thankfully lesser extent, Illya.

* * *

Lancer was in a good mood. There was no other words for it.

After learning Iris had chosen the naginata as her primary weapon (when she bothered to use one), he agreed to show her how to use it.

That wasn't to say she was unskilled at it...very few rookies could use a pole effectively as a launching platform with little trouble. It was just that she didn't know the finer points of using it as it was intended.

And once she was determined to learn how to fight, she put everything she had into it, training day and night. Lancer admired her dedication and ability. Very few humans in the modern era would take their training this seriously without having a life or death situation attached to it...and even then, they rarely kept up their training after.

So yes, Lancer was more than happy to train a very enthusiastic Iris how to use a spear, even if the weapon was a mundane one and not an enchanted weapon.

Considering the sheer amount of damage she could do on her own without magic, that was probably a good thing. Especially since Ryoga somehow ended up back in Fuyuki three days after Ranma was 'freed' from his cursed form and she accidentally copied the technique he used to explode boulders with a single hit.

It took her two days to figure out the trick of it, with Ryoga's help, and another four before she used it to give Kiritsugu nightmares of her teaching it to Illya, no matter _how_ useful it was.

It was, however, entirely useless against flesh. As she found out the hard way when she tried to use it on Herakles.

She might have broken an arm for all of two weeks, but she learned a valuable lesson Ryoga was too squeamish to find out himself.

Though upon learning that Herakles would have to be killed either twelve consecutive times...or once with a blast on level with a god, he lost a few of his own inhibitions concerning 'killing'.

To be fair, it didn't count as a 'win' against the demi-god unless you "killed" him at least three times.

Iris' current record of 'kills' was ten, but that was only because Illya called them in for dinner.

Lancer was actually glad to have Iris as a Master. She was as battle crazed as he was, didn't complain about hard work and actually _practiced_ what he taught her.

And that was before one got into the fact she could do more damage with the runes he taught her than he ever could while alive.

Iris was _fun_ to have around. And she picked fights with anyone who irritated her...and generally won them.

It was hilarious to watch...and it only got funnier when he actually got her drunk.

Seeing her get into a fight with a lamp post had been hysterical...coincidentally Kiritsugu had to hide where he stashed his alcohol after learning Iris would fight anything while drunk.

"Part of me wishes I could join in, but the Magus side of me knows that they're too stupid to realize I'm not on the same level as them," said an amused Illya to Ranma.

"I could teach you a few things, seeing as how Iris is busy."

Ranma was an Alpha Male personality, but the odds of him trying to date _anyone_ were almost nonexistent.

And considering the hell he went through the first time around thanks to Genma's greed and stupidity, the first thing he would do once people found out he was alive and in Fuyuki...was hire the best damn lawyer he could get his hands on, and firmly attach himself to the Emiya clan.

The contracts were only made to the "Saotome heir", not the adopted brother of the Emiya family. As long as he wasn't forced into any marriages he didn't personally sign off on or agree to, he could care less what legal headaches would come his way.

Illya jumped at the chance to learn _real_ martial arts, not the stuff Iris had to dumb down for the club.

In return for room and board in the Japanese style house, Ranma did general repairs that Shirou had little to no experience in.

Ranma was _used_ to fixing up old houses like this, in no small part because he was generally the one destroying the place and it was cheaper for him to do it than hire a contractor every week.

Besides, it was a skill that he could use to pay for his living expenses in between tournaments.

Shirou took one look outside the castle, then looked at his dad.

"One of these days they're going to do something so monumentally stupid that I'll be able to hang it over them like the same way they hang the fact I have trouble acting selfish. I hope I have evidence of it," said Shirou flatly.

"...I'll buy you a camera and have Taiga train you in how to use it," said Kiritsugu, having had the same train of thought. "That being said, you're also going to learn how to use a gun. Shooting a camera isn't _that_ different from shooting a sniper rifle."

Shirou made a face, but didn't argue. Iris was a battle junkie who could smash _boulders_ with her bare hands. Illya was a traditionally trained Magus who was quickly becoming an up-and-comer when it came to dismantling people using nothing but her bare hands.

And Shirou was simply too stubborn (or stupid, depending on who you asked) to back down from a fight, especially if it went against his morals.

Ergo, he needed his own way of fighting that didn't involve magic, and you could buy a gun almost _anywhere_. He might prefer arrows, but guns operated on roughly the same principles as shooting a bow, just with more noise, smell and could shoot from a much farther range...and in the case of the higher caliber bullets, with a much greater level of damage.

And honestly, Kiritsugu felt better about _Shirou_ inheriting his old enchanted guns than either of the girls. Illya was very bloodthirsty and Iris barely tolerated using a blade. She couldn't even stand to watch shows that involved _mecha_ , and firmly watched animes that involved hand-to-hand combat like _Kenichi_ or _Naruto_.

Kiritsugu went into an old store room and brought out...

"Is that a laser pointer and a scope?"

"Rule one of shooting a gun...learn how to aim. I'll teach you how to clean and reload one later. For now I want to make sure you know how to hit things properly."

Shirou nodded. Even if he knew it was going to be a _long_ several months...

* * *

"...Okay, explain to me who these two are and why there's a large wet patch on the floor," said Shirou, silently counting to ten in his head.

"That used to be a rather smug and annoying member of the von Einzbern clan. He shouldn't have pissed me off," said Illya, deadpan.

"Uh-huh. And these two?"

"They're homunculi that serve the von Einzbern family, likely to serve as maids and shields. However that only extends to threats from _outside_ the family. They know better than to interfere with an internal dispute," said Illya smugly.

She might live under the name Emiya now, but she was at heart a von Einzbern and well known to the castle homunculi. Which was why neither female interfered the moment Illyasviel made her presence known...and proceeded to send Berserker after the arrogant upstart who was to act as the von Einzbern representative.

Grandfather was likely to be pissed, but the little shit was more bark than any real bite anyway. Besides, he didn't even _have_ the command seals yet.

Illya took the old cell phone from one of the maids and called the castle.

Cell phones were infinitely cheaper than any magical option, and required less work, outside of the lone cell tower that was permitted within the grounds. Only a select few were permitted to have them in the family, and it was clear this fool had been given one last minute. The model was too new for him to have had one before.

" _What is it now?"_ demanded Jubstacheit irritated. It was known that when the Head of the von Einzbern family was irritated, you had either run far and fast, or kill yourself. He was not known for his patience or mercy.

"Hello Grandfather. I truly hope that the pathetic stain on the floor wasn't supposed to represent the family, because he didn't even last a full minute against my Berserker," said Illyasviel as pleasantly as an avalanche barreling down on some poor bastard.

There was a long pause, before the one Illya knew as Grandfather spoke.

" _I see that worthless father of yours did manage to steal you, despite our original assessment."_

"Actually it was my sister Iris who took me from the castle, even if I still can't figure out how she got past all the defenses," admitted Illya. She then eyed the stain with open distaste. "I can't believe you sent such a weak and miserable candidate to participate in the War. He didn't even have any command seals for me to take."

You could hear her pout.

" _I_ didn't _send that little brat. He left with the spells before I could order him to return. I would be willing to overlook the fact your...sister...broke into our ancestral home on one condition,"_ said Jubstacheit flatly.

"Yes, I'll represent the family since this idiot wasn't even worth the training," said Illya, having guessed what he wanted.

" _Good. Make an impressive enough showing and I may allow you to remain as part of the family,"_ said Jubstacheit.

"I already summoned Herakles as Berserker without a catalyst. How impressive do you want it to be?"

" _...Take out one of the Matou clan, or even Zouken. Then I will consider you still a part of the family."_

"I understand, Grandfather," said Illya.

Well, Iris _had_ been wanting to deal with Zouken after she found out even a fraction of what happened to her friend Sakura. And she couldn't stand Shinji. Sending her grandfather the head of the Makiri clan would say volumes about her ability as a Magus.

Besides, that monster had lived long enough.

Illya waited before she heard the other end hang up, then smiled at the two Homunculi.

"Grandfather has approved of me representing the family, under the condition I either remove the last of the Makiri bloodline or deliver Zouken's head to him. Which means you two now serve me," said Illya.

"As you wish, cousin," said the more strict female.

"Oy vey... you do realize Dad might flip when he finds out, right?"

"Not as much as he will once he finds out I intend to bring Iris and Ranma with me to put Zouken six feet under, where he should have been centuries ago," said Illya primly.

Shirou winced.

"I would say that's overkill, but after some of the things dad said about the _last_ Makiri master and what little he knew of the crest worms Zouken favors..."

"There's no kill quite like overkill, and if Iris can slip past the von Einzbern's defenses then the two of them should have no issue getting past Zouken. Besides, I never liked Shinji anyway," said Illya.

Shinji Matou was the last blood relative of Zouken, and thus if he were killed then the line would end. There was very little chance Zouken _still_ had the ability to reproduce, especially if he was sustaining himself on crest worms.

And any child born of those things wouldn't even be considered a proper Magus, but an abomination to be killed or experimented on.

"Dad's not going to like this."

"Shirou, we're talking about a monster that forced his son to act as a Master in the last war in order to spare a little girl from being violated in unspeakable ways by abominations of magic. A little girl who was almost entirely broken until her spirit was gone. Personally I think he'll commend us."

Shirou thought that one over, then nodded.

"Yeah...if it's that bad, then dad would probably help by planning the assault and acting as the sniper," said Shirou.


	5. Chapter 5

"Wait...your _grandfather_ basically told us to go on a raid of the Matou mansion?" said Iris in disbelief.

"He basically gave us orders to rescue Sakura, since I know for a fact she's not a Matou by birth. Everyone in the Magus community knows that the line ended with the last Master of the Grail War, and he walked _away_ from his family heritage."

"Which means it would go extinct if we accidentally happened to kill Shinji while getting rid of that creepy Zouken," said Iris.

"Give me one good reason why I should go along with this," said Lancer, crossing his arms. He was all for a good fight, but this seemed more cloak and dagger than he liked. Besides, Shinji didn't even look like he'd do more than cry for his momma once Lancer got to his ass.

Not exactly someone he felt worthy of killing.

"Crest worms in a girl not even five years old," deadpanned Iris.

"What?"

"Sakura didn't like talking about it, but apparently Zouken put her through the 'initiation' of the Matou family line less than a day after he took her in...and that meant he basically threw her into a pit full of crest worms. If that wasn't enough, I've seen plenty of signs consistent with more than one form of abuse. She _flinches_ whenever she's around Shinji and he raises his voice."

"I take it back... It'll be fun to kill the gutless twit," said Lancer, his face full of disgust at such an abomination. This wasn't a raid...this was a rescue mission for someone forced to lose their innocence and abused for years. No way would he let that stand...his honor as a knight would demand nothing less than at least a mercy kill if the girl was beyond saving.

Though from how they spoke of this Sakura, it wasn't that likely she'd give them much trouble to begin with.

* * *

Breaking in was easy. Too easy, in fact.

Ranma, who had agreed to come along solely out of boredom (as long as he _somehow_ didn't end up with yet another marriage contract...his luck was that shitty) smelled a set up from the get go.

"Either this guy isn't as smart as you thought, or there's something going on in there."

Iris shared a look with Illya. Kiritsugu was waiting far enough that he would shoot anything that came out that wasn't his kids or their Servants. Shirou was his back up.

"You think..."

"Considering he would have sensed it, I'm guessing yes."

"What?" asked Ranma.

"Either he doesn't really care about us, or he's helping one of the two inside summon a Servant. We picked a good time, if we can get inside and claim Sakura before the Servant appears," said Illya smugly.

"What about Lancer and Berserker?" asked Ranma.

"They're waiting for us to send the signal. Zouken helped _create_ the Grail War, he'd know how to do some serious damage to a Servant. However he'd never expect a pair of Master Martial artists, or _chi_. Now go in there and find Sakura," said Illya primly to Ranma.

"Che... I get it. Just be sure to back me up when I find her," said Ranma.

He slipped into the Soul of Ice, essentially making himself invisible. If worst came to worse, Iris would add the heat and they'd blow the entire mansion sky high with as big a tornado as they could create.

It had weirded him out having a 'twin' sister, but to be honest it was nice having someone he could fight with and not have to worry about some elaborate back story or crazed desire for revenge.

When Ranma found Sakura, it was pretty clear what was going to happen.

She would summon the Servant, and because even _he_ could tell Shinji had only the bare minimum of _chi_ to live on, he would act as a fake Master. He didn't know what the book was for, but he was guessing it would serve in place of the Command Spells.

And if the level of power was any indication, they didn't have much time before a complication had a chance to come up.

Ranma took careful aim...before he threw a rock at Shinji's hand.

The spineless coward yelped loudly as he dropped the book, much to the ire of Zouken. The _thing_ was pissed, as he tried to locate the source of the interruption. Thanks to the Soul of Ice, there was no way he'd spot Ranma.

Particularly since the thing wasn't even looking _up,_ but rather at any entrance.

Feeling the energy reach a peak, Ranma got ready to drop from above as Iris used the Breaking Point to completely obliterate the door, causing the distraction.

Ranma dropped from above, silently noting Sakura's new Servant who took stock of the situation supernaturally fast and moved into a protective position of her Master.

It was Iris who took one look at the Servant, and shouted "Get her out of here!"

They had already looted the place of anything of worth...which was why it took them so long to get there...and you could see the massive bag on Iris' back. Ranma moved fast, pushing Sakura towards Illya who was wisely behind Iris.

Sakura didn't need much motivation, as she quickly followed the albino outside.

Iris deposited the massive sack into Berserker's waiting hands, before the two sisters went back in.

Shinji was toast, though not by Ranma's hand. He could never stomach killing even on a good day. No, the poor bastard fell into the pit of crest worms, and they devoured what little prana he had to fuel Zouken.

Zouken, who was quite literally _screaming_ in pain just being ten feet from Ranma and his aura.

"...I'll set the pit on fire and you start the tornado?"

"You loot the place?" asked Ranma.

"I'll give it another once over, to see if I missed anything. Don't take too long," said Iris.

She found a secret compartment with even _more_ handwritten books, among other things, and looted it with a new sack before she carried Illyasviel outside. Ranma was quick to jump out of the first opening he found once the tornado became self-sustaining.

They were gone before the authorities arrived.

* * *

 _In the Tohsaka mansion..._

Rin looked up when she heard the racket. Her eyes widened to the size of saucers when she saw a _massive_ tornado coming from the Makiri mansion.

Her mouth dropped as she had trouble processing what she was seeing.

When the tornado vanished, the first thing she did was run to the phone.

It took a few moments, but the damn priest answered.

" _Yes?"_

"Are you aware that the Matou mansion just went up in a tornado?" asked Rin a little too sweetly.

" _...Have you been getting enough sleep or eaten anything fermented?"_ asked Kirei flatly.

"I'm dead serious. I just saw a massive tornado from my window in the general vicinity of the Matou mansion."

"..."

"And of course there's the fact that the Grail War has recently restarted. And I highly doubt that any civilians would have _missed_ that explosion just now, never mind the smell."

She could just sense the sheer amount of cursing Kirei was letting off in his head. Her grin didn't abate one bit as she cheerfully kept the priest updated on the civilians and the fact they were taking note of the explosion. And how much work he was about to end up doing.

She had little doubt if he found the idiot responsible he was going to strangle them.

After all, a good Magus wasn't supposed to let the ordinary, run of the mill civilian learn about magic.

Rin would almost shake the hand of whoever caused this much work for the damn priest...if it didn't mean she would have to listen to him bitch about it later.

* * *

Sakura silently took stock of what just happened, because she was _still_ having trouble believing it.

First she had been ordered by the foul thing calling itself Zouken to summon a Servant. One she would ultimately be forced to surrender to Shinji. That had more or less gone according to plan, save for the part where something had forced Shinji to drop the Book of the False Attendant.

That was when everything went sideways...in a good way, if you asked her.

Iris showed up, with a bag obviously full of stolen goods bigger than she was. Beside her was her sister Illyasviel, who Sakura knew for a fact was a von Einzbern. Dangerous territory, that. Then a man who looked far too much like Iris claiming to be her twin brother dropped from the ceiling and forced Shinji to run.

(Un?)fortunately for her 'brother', the area he chose to run towards happened to be the worm pit. He had never been as strong as Sakura was, and he died in horrific agony as his mind couldn't take it...to add on top of that, Zouken drained his life energy through the worms in what appeared to be a vain attempt to stave off whatever Ranma was doing. Though she didn't _see_ him do anything.

Her new Servant had been wary of Iris and Illya...Berserker and Lancer stayed behind to watch over her, but Iris had gone in a second time to make sure she had anything of worth.

Then all hell broke loose as Iris, Illya and Ranma ran like mad out of the house through whatever exit they could find...right before a _massive_ tornado sprang out of the general area of the worm pit.

There was a surge of something foul...likely the worms embedded inside her...trying to return to the whole as Zouken was burned alive in a maelstrom of pure _living_ energy. Something as foul as he couldn't handle being that close to pure chi, much less survive the whirlwind of the tornado ripping apart the very things keeping him alive.

It was in that wave of destruction that Sakura, who quickly realized what was going to happen if she didn't do something, made a choice. She could either allow the foul being known as Zouken to live, at the cost of her own life, through the crest worms in her body...or she could take the chance she was given.

Sakura gladly held onto the neck of Iris, since Ranma was too busy carrying their stolen goods while her Servant followed silently, beyond confused at this point. Iris radiated the same energy that weakened Zouken to the point that he could barely retain physical form.

The darker, more evil part of her that contained the remnants of the last Grail, woke up. Dark Sakura, as she called her, was not in the mood to allow the remnant to live. Especially not in _her_ body.

It was probably the first time in years that Sakura and Dark Sakura agreed on one thing.

The remnants of what was left of Zouken had to go.

By morning, when the dust had settled, the crest worms in her body had been rendered dead. Nothing more than piece of flesh and muscle.

Zouken was gone as well. Between the damage done by Ranma and Iris, as well as the combined effort of Sakura and her darker self, any vestiges of his soul had been eradicated with prejudice.

Good riddance.

So now here she was, the morning after, sitting at Iris' table sipping tea trying to make sense of what the hell was happening.

"That was sure fun, robbin' the place last night. Eh, Ranma?"

"Yup. Can't believe that old ghoul reacted so violently to our _ki_. I mean I thought he would've responded in kind," said Ranma, sipping his tea.

"Zouken has been around since the _first_ Heaven's Feel. He probably couldn't take it because he wasn't technically alive anymore," chirped Illya. Then she had an evil grin. "Now we just have to send Grandfather something to prove we killed the old worm and I'll be set for life."

Meaning Jubstacheit wouldn't kick her out of the family and she could still claim to be a von Einzbern. If she sent him something good, then he would more or less forgive her of her father's sins...and he would ignore the fact Iris had more or less broken into the main castle, since the only thing taken was Illyasviel herself.

"Would this do? I found it in a hidden room under three secret panels and a nasty trap that I tripped from behind the door."

Illya took one look and squealed.

"This is Zouken's personal journal! It details how he created the Command Seals! With this, Grandfather is _sure_ to approve of us!"

Ranma filched the book.

"Wouldn't it be smarter to make multiple copies before sending the original to your grandfather?" he asked.

"Well of course we're going to _copy_ it. There's no sense in letting the family have the _only_ copy of such a useful book," said Illya, as if talking to an idiot.

Iris was looking at Sakura.

"You okay with us basically robbing your house?" she asked.

"It wasn't my house, and I wasn't actually related to either of them. And there wasn't anything in there I couldn't replace later anyway."

Iris then turned to a confused Rider, as she called herself.

"You're not a cat or anything feline are you?"

"I'm more akin to a serpent or a snake, actually," said Rider bemused.

Iris and Ranma breathed a sigh of relief. Neither of them could get fifty feet near a cat before they started freaking out, and it was always better to be careful.

"So, Sakura, what do you plan to do now?"

"Ano... I really hadn't thought about it. I wasn't expecting to be rescued at all while I was summoning Rider," said Sakura.

"Well it's not like we can't handle an extra person in the house... and you're practically family anyway," said Shirou. And by that he meant all the times Iris dragged Sakura over to molest...er, watch the latest anime series. Though Iris did have a little too much fun dragging Sakura around or groping her chest.

In the words of Iris, it wasn't perverted if a girl was doing the groping of another girl's boobs. Which, oddly enough, seemed to be true because Taiga never said anything about it.

Ranma was too much of a prude to ever consider it, even though he would have had plenty of 'volunteers' if he had been inclined after the engagement mess started.

"Not to mention she could easily pay 'rent' to help with the increasing food bills," chimed Illya. Seeing the looks sent her way, Illya shrugged. "She's now the head of the Makiri family unless Zouken suddenly shows up again. Meaning she gets everything. It doesn't help that we pretty much murdered Shinji anyway."


	6. Chapter 6

_**Okay, so I got the two techniques messed up. My bad. Also, Ranma didn't KILL Shinji. He killed himself like an idiot, and Zouken had an extreme reaction to Chi.**_

* * *

"Eh? Nicknames?" said Lancer, wondering what this was about.

"Ayako called and said that the club had finally given us nicknames to suit our skill for the Nationals."

"Ah! I remember that! They were trying to figure out what to call the 'spear goddess' of the martial arts club! So what did they come up with?" asked Illya.

"Well my new 'title' is now... Izunami."

"Izunami? As in the female half of the creator gods from the Shinto pantheon?" repeated Ranma.

"It gets better, brother of mine. Your title is now Izunagi, since you're just as skilled as I am. Ayako said, and I quote 'He's arrogant enough to think he's godly with his skills, but at least he's got the balls to back up his claims'," said Iris, her face full of mirth.

"So what was the name they gave me?" asked Illya, eagerly.

"Maeve, after the Queen of the Winter Faeries. I think it's because of your looks and the fact you're from Germany," said Iris amused. Illya preened.

"Still...naming us after the gods of creation in the Shinto pantheon..." said Ranma, uncertain. He had bad enough luck with gods as it was. Though to be fair the only 'god' he had faced was Saffron.

"It's fine. No one really takes these names seriously, and there's a version of the myths that claim the pair were actually brother and sister, not husband and wife. And if it really bothers you, you can do some serious groveling at their temples in penance or something," said Iris dismissively.

"I'm confused," said Lancer.

"I'm captain of the martial arts team, and we recently added weapons to our repertoire, since the teachers wouldn't approve the creation of another club based on the less used weapons like my naginata or the tessen. We have a kendo club and an archery club, but that's as far as they go. So I convinced our supervisor to let us add weapons."

"We still have to register them at the tournaments if we use them, and we have to chose whether we're in the hand to hand arena or the weapons arena when we fight," added Ranma.

"To that end, those who are especially skilled like we are generally get 'labeled' with easily recognized names. Like how you're known as the 'Hound of Ulster', among others," said Iris.

"Oh."

"Coincidentally..."

Lancer looked at his Master, wondering why she had such an odd look on her face.

"I heard a rumor that a certain foreigner was catching a lot of fish near the river earlier. Someone who was wearing a tacky shirt?" she said grabbing his shoulder.

Lancer winced, as Iris had the strength to crush boulders...and that was before she used the Breaking Point.

"Yes?"

"From now on you're supplying us with any fish you catch while we're at school. Do you have any idea how much it costs to buy them at the store?"

"Is that all?"

"It would be cheaper and it means you'd be able to indulge in your hobby. If need be we can help you carry the fish back, right?" asked Iris to Ranma.

"So long as I don't have to worry about getting wet," said Ranma grumpily.

"What exactly is the importance of the nicknames anyway?" asked Shirou. He was a member of the archery club, but they didn't have that sort of thing.

"It's a recognition of skill. Depending on _what_ the name is and the significance of it. If it's a name that's earned, then those that take the Art seriously will call you by that nickname to recognize your skill level. For instance calling Illyasviel Maeve after the winter queen of the faeries. Maeve rules over the cold hearted and cruel faeries who take great delight in human suffering, not that the fae aren't cruel to humanity in general, or enjoy screwing us over for the hell of it."

"In short they're saying I'm a sadist who wouldn't hesitate to 'play' with my opponents for the fun of it," Illya summed up.

"Well they're not entirely wrong. I mean you took _way_ too much enjoyment watching the Matou family burn alive," Iris said.

"True," said Illya grinning evilly.

"So what's it mean when they gave you two named like Izunami and Izunagi?"

"It means they consider our skill level godlike, or close to it. The only reason we're even in school rather than training is because we need an education, despite the fact we're actually closer to thirty."

* * *

Shirou was 'cleared' by Kiritsugu to carry a gun shortly before the first official fight of the Grail Wars kicked off, even though not all the Servants were summoned, according to Illya. He even had a concealed carry permit thanks to Taiga, though he agreed never to leave it anywhere that the casual student could get their hands on it. Or take it out of the holster on school grounds unless the situation was absolutely life and death.

And the only reason she allowed it was because of the fact that Kiritsugu had accidentally revealed Taiga was somewhat aware of the tournament, just not the specifics. All she knew was that the last time it was active there was a lot of killing, destruction and missing kids. That it was active again meant Shirou and some of her other students could become targets, and she couldn't exactly explain why she was carrying her infamous Tora shinai around class.

A hidden gun was dangerous, but if it could cause a distraction (or give people motivation to haul all away from danger) it was worth it. Besides, Shirou didn't have it in him to go on a killing spree. He was more likely to be the first one to try and talk a shooter _out_ of harming himself or others.

Besides, it was buried so deep in his school bag and was disguised that it was unlikely to be an issue.

The first time he got to use it was after he had been roped into helping clean the martial arts club room by Iris. She was going to go out with Lancer later to see if anyone was interested in a fight with her Servant.

Iris had, much to the amusement of Sakura, Illya, and pretty much everyone in the house, found a set of old looking armor that had been restored to go along with her naginata. The plan was to go on solo attacks and make people believe there was a second Lancer just for the hell of it.

Lancer wasn't overly worried, because if she could fight Berserker and take out his lives regularly, then she could handle pretty much anything. And she had trained with Lancer regularly, so she could use her weapon as well as any real Servant.

So yeah, he'd laugh his ass off at the confusion his Master planned to leave in her wake by claiming his status as Servant. If anything happened she still had three viable command seals to call him.

Shirou was just now heading home to start dinner...because Taiga and a few others, mainly the Servants, had declared teaching him how to order out was somehow blasphemous...when he heard a commotion.

Seeing a familiar face, Shirou at first thought sticking around to watch the show was a good idea. At least until one of the swords came a little too close to the fence and caused him to unconsciously back up...and break a twig.

To his credit, he didn't yelp when Lancer threw his Noble Phantasm at him...and missed. He had already reached into his bag for his gun and without much hesitation shot the Servant twice.

Right into both ass cheeks. Iris was going to laugh her ass off when she found out, he just knew it. His dad might be amused, but he would definitely be pleased that Shirou managed to hit where he was aiming with so little reaction time available.

"You shot me!" said Lancer irate.

"Well you're the idiot who thought throwing a spear at the cook was a good idea! Not to mention you missed me completely!" Shirou threw back.

"What are you even doing here this late, moron?" said Lancer, irritated.

"Iris roped me into cleaning the club room for her. Though now I'm going to up the payment for doing her job," said Shirou flatly.

"Right. Go home and don't embellish the fact you managed to shoot me."

"Why bother? You know they're going to get a laugh when they find out," deadpanned Shirou.

Lancer took the time to pull out his spear, and face Archer and his Master. Both of whom looked beyond confused at this point... Archer more than the girl.

"Get going. I'd like dinner before I get back and you know she's going to be _extra_ bitchy if she has to order out."

Shirou was quick to leave the scene, putting his gun back into his bag. He'd have to clean it before he made dinner, and wash his hands. No telling what the gunpowder residue would do to his cooking.

"You're letting a _witness_ leave the scene," said Archer.

"He already knew about the war, so he's not a witness," said Lancer.

Seeing the look on their face, he shrugged.

"The rule only applies to people who aren't already aware," said Lancer.

Archer's confusion was nothing compared to his Master's expression.

"Well you do have a point. If he's already aware of the war and considering he didn't even ask what was going on I suppose _technically_ he doesn't qualify as a witness, but an observer," said the girl.

She knew that there had been others who had participated in the war that weren't actually part of it, like the last time. The Master of Lancer brought his fiancee, and the Master of Saber brought his wife and apprentice. So there was a precedent.

So long as the school's unofficial janitor didn't become a Master or interfere, he was free to watch the fights without being automatically targeted for it.

* * *

Iris' first reaction to hearing Shirou shot her Servant in the ass for throwing his spear at him?

She fell over laughing her ass off once she got the armor removed. That had been Illya's reaction as well.

Kiritsugu was rather pleased his son had an aptitude for marksmanship, even if he didn't like the fact Shirou _still_ had an unselfish personality that allowed people to take advantage of him or that he was more or less taking up the same work Kiritsugu had after he killed his own father.

The only difference was that Shirou wouldn't be going into active warzones (unless he had the bad luck to be caught in one) and he wouldn't exactly target Magi specifically unless their behavior was something he couldn't excuse. Something like what the previous Master of Caster during the Fourth Grail War did.

He would have Iris and Illya to act as his sounding boards, which was better than nothing.

Once she got over her amusement, she asked for an honest critique of how Lancer did until Archer accidentally busted Shirou's presence.

Considering it was the first fight, it was fairly good. Except from what Shirou saw, he had the distinct feeling Archer had known he was there.

The way that sword nearly took off his head that he nearly avoided was a pretty big freaking clue, which was odd because he had been careful to stay out of sight and not attract any attention.

Obviously Archer had either somehow _known_ Shirou was going to be at that exact general area that very night, or he had better detection skills than Iris did when she activated the first of her Mystic Eyes.

Illya _still_ couldn't figure out how the hell her sister had somehow ended up with two completely different pairs of Mystic Eyes. Her best guess was that because she had had a cursed form that was also human, her 'male' self had also inherited the eyes. Which meant by some bizarre quirk of fate the two sets were split apart because they were both _one and the same person_.

It was the only explanation that made even a remote bit of sense.

This theory was pretty much confirmed when Ranma managed to activate the same eyes...just in the opposite positions that Iris had hers. Her right eye was the Chi-detecting one, and the left copied magecraft and skills. Ranma's right eye copied and his left detected chi. Ergo the two sets got their owners mixed up, so they ended up with one each.

Kiritsugu was just pleased at Shirou's reaction time. Not many people with such little experience and training could accurately react in less than a split second and not only pull out their gun, but actually _hit_ what they were aiming at.

Considering the distance, the speed and the trajectory, Shirou had less than five or six seconds to react to Lancer throwing his spear at him.

All in all, Kiritsugu was impressed...and openly pleased at how quickly Shirou reacted and shot at Lancer.

Mostly because Shirou had gone for his gun almost immediately after Archer aimed a sword in his direction, and the attack from Lancer had followed almost immediately after. Which meant he had some forewarning to a second attack.


	7. Chapter 7

**_As a birthday present to you, the fans, I present another chapter!_**

* * *

 _Let's go over how tonight has become totally screwed up beyond all comprehension..._ thought Archer to himself.

It had started with Lancer. That part had gone normally as he remembered it. They fought, Lancer retaliated, and then Shirou had arrived and started to watch the fight after being attracted by the sound of the battle.

That had all gone according to the countless repetitions he had endured.

However unlike previous iterations, Shirou didn't panic at the sight of battle, or cause any noise. Instead he had observed quietly without any real sign he had been there. The fight had gone on longer than Archer remembered it going.

So when he threw the sword deliberately at Shirou, which was very quickly followed by Lancer throwing his spear, that was when Archer realized this was a deviation he had never experienced before.

Shirou _always_ blew his cover by stepping on that damn twig. And it was always Lancer who chased after him. That had been the start of Shirou's participation as a Master in the war, as it had been his desperation to survive that called Saber out of the Throne of Heroes.

No... Shirou hadn't even tried to run when Lancer nearly skewered him with Gae Bolg. What he had done caused Archer to stare at him with absolute shock and disbelief.

He shot at Lancer with an actual gun in the three point two seconds he had to react...and actually hit him. Twice, in the ass.

Shirou, as far as Archer could remember, never used guns. Not at that age. Nor did he have training to be able to react quite so quickly to that kind of situation.

It had only gotten stranger (for Archer anyway) from there.

Lancer not only knew Shirou, he defended the idiot and pretty much claimed that Shirou was only an observer, not an actual witness.

Observers were the rare few who weren't actual Masters, but those associated with them. People like the Lesser Grail, when they weren't being used as Masters.

Which meant there was no way he could reasonably see Rin going after Shirou in order to protect the idiot for being caught up in something he wasn't supposed to. There was very little chance she'd even bother going to the Emiya household at all tonight.

Change one: Shirou hadn't been chased down by Lancer.

Change two: this Shirou apparently knew how to use a gun and use it well.

Change three: He had previous knowledge of the Grail War, and hadn't been surprised to see Lancer there or see him fighting.

Change four: Shirou had been coming out of the martial arts club, not the archery club.

Archer blinked. Wait a minute. He knew Shirou wasn't a martial artist, or even that interested in hand to hand combat. So why had he been coming out of the martial arts club at all instead of the archery club? From what he remembered, he had stayed at school late to clean the archery club after Shinji had conned him into it. More importantly, why had Lancer not been surprised to see Shirou there after he shot him?

Lancer should be attached to the fake priest, not to some mystery woman.

So Archer decided to discreetly try and find out if Shinji was still Medusa's Master. They had found the barrier around the school, that part had been normal. But it hadn't felt exactly like Blood Fort Andromeda, but closer to something Caster had put up.

Rin was drinking her tea, which gave Archer the perfect chance to broach the topic of the one who put up the barrier.

"I wonder if the Makiri are behind that nasty barrier," he said as a conversation starter.

Rin snorted derisively.

"Not likely. Even if Shinji _were_ alive, he doesn't have the skill to make something like that. Never mind that there hasn't been a single trace of Zouken since that tornado."

Archer blinked.

"Tornado?" he repeated.

"I was woken out of a sound sleep two months ago to find a tornado had sprung up out of a clear night sky in the general vicinity of the Matou mansion. When I called that fake priest to clean up the mess, he said there wasn't even a trace of Zouken and the most they found of Shinji was a desecrated corpse that had been horribly violated by crest worms. The only one who could even remotely carry the name 'Matou' is Sakura, and she changed it the first chance she had."

"A tornado, seriously?" said Archer. Tornadoes did _not_ spring up out of a clear sky.

Hot air rises, and cold air descended...and when they began to rotate a tornado formed. From what little Rin gave him, this one had been massive. And there was absolutely no reasonable explanation for _how_ a tornado formed when the sky was clear and the wind completely dead. By the time any Magi made it to the area, any trace of what caused it had been destroyed by normal rescue crews.

"There was one weird thing about the whole thing... according to that damn Kirei anyway," said Rin. Archer's attention honed in on her like a hawk. "The place was completely trashed, but he had the hardest time finding any books or anything related to magecraft. Hell, anything valuable that might have survived was missing."

Rin had gone over as well, mostly to see if she could scavenge what was left of the place the second she learned Zouken was either dead or wounded badly enough that he wouldn't be an issue for quite some time. And she couldn't find even a single thing that might be construed as valuable to a normal human, much less a Magus. There should have been remnants of paintings, furniture, hell, even the cutlery.

Nothing. And she had looked for any books relating to the Grail War.

"You're saying the place was robbed before it was destroyed?" said Archer.

"Whoever did it was _very_ thorough. Not a single book was left behind."

Yet another clue to a riddle he was very determined to solve.

Something had changed Shirou, had changed this Grail War in a way that made it very hard to predict. And he wanted to know _what_.

The next big freaking clue was when the two of them had a run in with Lancer. Only this wasn't the _same_ Lancer from two night ago. Oh no, this one was _female_.

Archer knew this one was a fake, but he didn't say as much to Rin. The biggest clue was the spear itself.

It was a naginata, very intricately decorated and definitely augmented with runes, but still nothing that could be labeled a Noble Phantasm.

However the lack of a Phantasm didn't really matter. Whoever this fake was, she was damn skilled. More than enough so that it would be very easy to mistake her for the actual Lancer servant.

She was able to counter Archer's unique (and very suicidal) fighting style, never once falling into the trap that countless had before her. She instinctively _knew_ that he was trying to lure her into openings he had deliberately made just so he could control the flow of battle. He could see it in her eyes that she was countering him not from being able to read his moves...but by reading his muscle movements, which only a very skilled martial artist could do.

It wasn't until later that he had any suspicions that the fake Lancer was the mysterious Iris that Shirou had mentioned the night before. It would explain a _lot_.

The thing that worried him was that the longer he fought her, the more she seemed to RECOGNIZE him on an instinctive level.

* * *

 _Iris POV_...

"Dad, I have a question for you," said Iris.

"What is it?" Kiritsugu asked, putting down his book.

"Let's say Shirou was all on his own, without people there to insure his suicidal side didn't get him killed. Would he be susceptible to any sort of power or 'spirit' that could break him until he's lost hope in his dream?" asked Iris seriously.

Kiritsugu blinked, as did most of the others in the room. He seemed to consider that question very seriously, before answering.

"The only thing I could remotely think of that would almost certainly break him and his desire to become a hero would be if he were stupid enough to make a deal with Alaya and become a Counter Guardian," he said finally.

"What's a Counter Guardian?" asked Shirou.

"Essentially they're clean up spirits summoned to wipe out anything that tips the scales too far. Whether for good or bad, if something attracts the attention of the Spirit of Humanity, the Counter Guardians are called to even the scale, no matter how many they have to kill. It's not exactly a pleasant existence," said Illyasviel.

Shirou winced visibly.

"Why do you ask?"

"I think I ran into the future Hero version of Shirou, just with a major fascination with swords and a very suicidal fighting style," said Iris frowning. "His eyes were practically screaming with depression and hopelessness, like he was trying to find a way to end it all."

Seeing the looks they were shooting her, her frown deepened.

"I ran into Archer earlier, and while he clearly knew I wasn't Lancer, he didn't seem to care. He kept leaving such massive holes in his stance that it took me little time to figure out they were deliberate, more of a taunt for his opponent to take advantage of those holes. A few times I did, he immediately tried to control the flow of the fight. All those holes were in areas that if they were hit would leave debilitating or mortal wounds."

Now even Kiritsugu was frowning.

"You think Shirou made a deal with Alaya in an alternate life and became a Counter Guardian...and was summoned as Archer in this war?" said Kiritsugu.

"I'd recognize that face anywhere, and he wasn't _that_ old."

"...There is one sure fire way to see if it is him," offered Illya.

"Someone is going to have to act as bait, the same way Lancer did in the last war," said Kiritsugu, obviously picking up on the same train of thought as his daughter.

"Who gets to act as bait though? And where will we hold it?"

"Why not at the wharf? It's the exact same site where Lancer waited in the previous war, offers multiple vantage points, and it's easy to control the information flow once we deal with the cameras," suggested Kiritsugu.

"Using the same trick as the previous war. Any similarities can be played as us having read the after-action reports from Clock Tower and deciding to repeat it," mused Illya.

"Well if we're going to repeat it, then I'll act as bait," said Iris.

"I'll help position everyone and then Lancer can set the trap. If we're lucky this Archer will show up. It not, well, we can still pretty much wipe out any Servant that's stupid enough to show," said Kiritsugu.

He didn't want the Grail, not after finding out what was inside it, but he wouldn't hesitate to help his children _live_ through this crap and thrive after.

It was almost funny, watching Iris watch the whole thing with an impatient expression. It was clear she was eager to jump in and continue the fight from yesterday.

Kiritsugu had been absolutely clear about the events from the last war.

Saber had confronted Lancer, the fight was suddenly interrupted by Rider, and then Berserker showed up and tried to kill Saber, with Archer making it even more confusing by generally being an ass.

Except this trap was for Archer.

Just to be on the safe side, they had hidden the sheathe of Excalibur inside Kiritsugu as Shirou had stated with absolute certainty that if something went wrong and he accidentally summoned a Servant, then he wanted to be damn sure it wasn't Arturia Pendragon.

Iris had been disgusted when she found out Arturia, known as Saber, wanted nothing more than to give up everything that made her a Heroic Spirit under some misguided belief that by doing so she would 'save' Britain. She was willing to spit on the memories and sacrifices of the people who had helped her to become King, and later a legend. And that had pissed the red head off to no end.

Yes, it was sad the way King Arthur's legend ended, but the fact she openly wished she hadn't become a king because of a few major screw-ups...that made Iris furious.

Iris had called Saber the "King of Cowards", and would likely say as much if she ever saw the Servant face to face.

Watching his adopted daughter waiting impatiently, Kiritsugu swung the modified rifle (Shirou was playing Maiya's role in the last war) towards where Lancer was waiting with a similar look that was on Iris' face.

It took them three hours, but fortunately they were patient...and had cell phones with strong signals.

Communicating between the different parties was infinitely easier these days. Back when Kiritsugu was still an active assassin for hire, he had to deal with bulky phones and laptops. Nowadays things were sleeker, easier to procure. Burner phones were _very_ useful.

Kiritsugu was one of the few Magus-born and trained who stayed with the rising level of technology, rather than ignore it. As such, he made sure his children at least knew how to use the internet and all had cell phones. Especially Illya, who quickly got addicted to her new computer.

It didn't hurt that Iris was hooked on anime.

So while they all waited for someone to show up, most of them settled in with their phones and were either surfing the net or playing games.

Finally, _someone_ showed up.

Sadly, it wasn't the Archer servant they were trying to lure in, but it _was_ an Archer.

Golden hair, blood red eyes, arrogant aura. Kiritsugu recognized him on sight.

" _Everyone, stay alert. It seems Gilgamesh decided to crash the party,"_ said Kiritsugu through his headset.

" _Gilgamesh, as in the King of Heroes, Gilgamesh? As in the_ oldest _legendary hero in existence?! How did he get summoned?!_ " said Illya horrified.

" _He's a left over from the last war. He must have made an arrangement with Kirei after the fire and managed to stick around. Don't let your guard down for a second...he can shoot hundreds of Noble Phantasms in a second and has an unlimited supply of ammo. Never mind that he has the power to break out of even a Reality Marble and has chains that can hold back even the gods,"_ warned Kiritsugu.

Oh yes, Kiritsugu _definitely_ remembered this Servant. He was among the last ones standing when he forced Saber to destroy the Grail.

"Well what do we have here. A mongrel attempting to draw in the other dogs," sneered Gilgamesh.

Before Kiritsugu could warn Lancer (who was the only one who _didn't_ have a headset) Iris decided to act.

She took a running leap off the cargo container, and landed neatly on her feet much like the very animals she couldn't stand. Lancer very wisely did not make that comparison in her hearing.

She casually leaned her naginata on her shoulder as she walked to stand in front of her Servant.

"So... you are the infamous King of Heroes. Your legend doesn't do you nearly enough credit to how impressive you are," Iris said calmly, looking him in the eye without a hint of fear in her gaze.

Gilgamesh still had that arrogant sneer on his face, but Iris clearly knew how to play someone like him because he didn't automatically tell her to lower her gaze.

"So a mere _human_ believes themselves equal to a Servant."

Iris narrowed her eyes slightly.

"So long as you are not comparing me to those four legged demons that eat mice, I could care less _what_ you call me. And I don't believe myself equal to a Servant, I am equal to one, even without the help of some fancy weapon," she said flatly, with more than a hint of arrogance in her tone.

Gilgamesh was definitely sizing her up now.

"Hmph. Maybe if you impress me I might allow you to live for gazing upon my glorious self without permission," he said, almost amused.

"Bring it on Goldie. I don't need some fancy toy to kick your ass," said Iris arrogantly, her stance loose, but ready to move into action at any moment.

Gilgamesh gave zero warning, hell, even Lancer was caught completely off guard when the attack hit.

One moment Iris was in front of him, the next she was a blur of movement, using her chi or her naginata to knock aside a mass of Noble Phantasms that would have skewered her in an instant if she allowed her guard to drop for even a moment.

When the noise ceased and everyone was on the edge of a pin waiting to see what happened next, Iris just arrogantly stared at Gilgamesh with a calm gaze, her spear once more leaning against her shoulder as she stood in the center of the weapons, a void clearly around her and Lancer. The ground around them was littered with countless weapons that had appeared within seconds only to be knocked away by Iris the second it came within her range.

Gilgamesh smirked at her, clearly impressed in spite of himself.

"Interesting. Very interesting. Perhaps you will be worth keeping around, if only to watch you trounce these pathetic dogs that wish to take that which is mine," Gilgamesh said, his tone no longer arrogantly bored.

No one really breathed easily until the golden king left as suddenly as he had come, though the first thing Kiritsugu did once he was within arm's reach of Iris was firmly grab her ear.

"Are you _insane_? He could have killed you!"

"Please. I've fought Berserker tons of times, and Lancer is faster than those weapons once he gets going properly. Sometimes the best thing you can do is bluff your way through the situation," said Iris, barely wincing.

"Anyone else for ordering out and regrouping?" asked Shirou tiredly. He felt absolutely drained.

"I'm in," said Illya, also sounding exhausted.

"Ditto," said Lancer, rubbing his eyes. It had been a bitch keeping up with Iris as she knocked all those weapons away from them both.

But this did give them one important piece of information they hadn't been aware of and likely wouldn't have until he made himself known.

Gilgamesh, the Archer from the previous war was not only alive, but very much active.

This entire thing had become infinitely more complicated.


	8. Chapter 8

**Okay, I apparently made a mistake in regards to the names of the creator gods. Apparently their names are Iz anami and Iza** **nagi, not Izunami and Izunagi. My bad.**

* * *

It took some doing, mostly because she still had club activities and school, but eventually Iris managed to corner the Archer spirit with Lancer and Illya nearby as back up.

Sakura preferred to watch over another side of town, mostly in an effort to avoid Gilgamesh since she had no desire of allowing Rider to be killed by him. The legend was pretty damn clear about what happened...he wasn't likely to look upon a Servant that was related to snakes with any fondness. Rider didn't care, she only wanted to keep an eye on Sakura.

Iris had long since decided on a plan the moment she confronted the Archer spirit of _this_ war.

Once she was within close range of him, and Lancer was keeping Rin Tohsaka from actually paying any attention to what Iris was about to pull, she made certain he heard her very, very clearly.

"Really Shirou, did you think we wouldn't recognize you despite the fact you've suddenly gained a tan and lost all the color in your hair?"

Archer blanched for a split second, but it was still there. He hadn't expected to be _recognized_.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," he said without hesitation.

"Then you're not a selfless idiot who thinks it's okay to save people and not act selfish for your own sake? That the one thing you wanted most in the world was to see someone smile the same way Kiritsugu did when he first rescued you?" she said quietly.

"Who are you?" asked Shirou, for this _was_ Shirou.

"You can ask Dad that once you get your head out of your ass and explain yourself," she deadpanned.

"Kiritsugu died when I was twelve," said Archer.

"...The memorial to the Fuyuki fire, tomorrow night at 1 A.M., and don't bring the girl. It'll be easier to explain in person," said Iris.

Archer said nothing, but the questions he had couldn't exactly be answered without Rin finding out he had prior knowledge of this war.

At least this girl had picked a place that wasn't overly tainted like the forest, and wasn't easy to ambush.

* * *

 _The Fuyuki Memorial, 12:55 A.M._

"You think he'll come?" asked Illya. She was sitting next to Ranma, who was far more comfortable with the Emiya family than he ever had been with the Tendo family. Mostly he took odd jobs with the Fujimura clan to help pay the bills.

He was very much like the older brother who helped make ends meet, rather than continue his education.

"He'll come. I could see it in his eyes. He's faced despair so strong and great that he wants to end everything, even if it's pointless. You could just tell he was caught in an endless cycle," said Iris.

It was sad really. A true fighter can determine intent and sometimes even truth when fighting a skilled opponent. Especially when there is a resonance.

This Archer servant was desperately trying to 'save' or 'kill' his original self, hoping to end the cycle of despair.

"I wonder how he'll react to seeing Dad and the three heirs of the Magus Killer," said Shirou.

"I still don't get that three heirs thing," said Ranma.

"I'd like to hear that as well," came an unknown voice. It was Archer.

Iris grinned at him.

"Simply put, the three of us are the heirs of the Emiya clan. Illyasviel, the heir to the Emiya family crest and bloodline," started Iris. She pointed at herself. "Iris Emiya, heir to the magecraft he learned over a course of a lifetime as the Magus Killer."

She looked Archer in the eye.

"Shirou Emiya, heir to the weapons of the Magus Killer and the ideals of the Magus Kiritsugu. Between the three of us, we represent all the sides of our Dad," she explained.

"I still don't understand how things have altered so much that I can barely recognize this war."

"Eh...do you want the long version or the short one?" asked Ranma.

"Short one. Rin's not exactly a deep sleeper," said Archer.

"Age mushrooms. Obscure ability to lock cursed forms into place. Being left in the fire days before it happened. Waking up with no personal memories and being adopted," Ranma summed up.

Archer sweat dropped.

"I think I'll take the long version after all," he said.

What followed was a strange tale of bizarre obscure martial arts, even weirder magical items (in this case, mushrooms that changed your age depending on how tall they were) and an extremely bad case of bad luck and crappy timing.

From there it became a little more normal, if still bizarre.

All in all, Archer felt a little more at ease with this Shirou than he should have.

Archer looked at Iris.

"So what should I call you if I run into you a third time?" he asked.

"If Rin asks where you've been, tell her you've identified the 'fake' Lancer as someone calling themselves Izanami," said Iris.

Archer blinked twice.

"Isn't that the name of the Japanese creator goddess who lived alongside Izanagi?" he asked slowly.

Iris grinned, and hooked a thumb at the teen with Illya.

"He's Izanagi, but he's an observer only."

"Yo," said Ranma.

"...I'm not even going to ask," said Archer finally.

He had the distinct and unpleasant realization that if he tried to kill Shirou now, when he was openly defended by at least two Servants (one of which had killed him before in another War) then he would find his job almost impossible.

It really hadn't helped that he had been spying on the battle with Gilgamesh and had seen how fast and perceptive Iris was.

* * *

Rin was pissed when she found out he had gone out without her, but the second he said the name Izanami she had changed her tune.

Apparently she knew _exactly_ who he was talking about.

Which was why she managed to corner Iris on the rooftop.

"It took you this long to realize I'm a Master? How slow are you, School Idol-chan?" teased Iris.

"I can't believe you're stupid enough to pretend you're a servant. What if one of the other Masters kills you!" said Rin irate.

"Not like it really matters. I 'play' with Berserker all the time and he hasn't managed to kill or deliver a decent injury yet. And let's not forget that Saber hasn't even been summoned, so there's really no harm, no foul," said Iris flatly.

Rin stared at her.

"You _fight_ Berserker regularly?" she said in disbelief.

"I kick his ass. And even if you tried to kill him, he wouldn't stay down for long. Face it, Tsundere-chan, you haven't got a chance in hell of beating us," said Iris, sticking her tongue out at Rin.

Archer had been quite descriptive of Rin's actual personality. Who knew that the school's "perfect" idol Rin Tohsaka was a Tsundere?

"This coming from the dead half of the Kami twins?" said Rin, eyebrow twitching.

"While they hit that description on the head, they should have called us Suzaku and Seiryuu, instead of naming us after the creation gods," said Iris dryly. Even if she really _hated_ the Phoenix people and their stupid god Saffron.

"What's your goal for the Grail?"

Iris made a face.

"Why in the name of Amaterasu would I want that oversized monkey's paw? Dad had his Servant destroy it because he realized it was corrupted, and that any wish made on it would only lead to death and destruction."

"What?"

"The Grail has something in it that corrupts any wish made on it, leading to death and destruction. My Dad chose to destroy it in the last war, rather than risk it getting loose. From what I heard, Saber was beyond pissed...and Archer somehow managed to survive it."

"That's impossible! Archer was my father's Servant! There's no way he's still around!"

"Then I suppose there's another version of Gilgamesh, the King of Heroes wandering around that just happened to be under the Archer class," said Iris flatly.

Rin's twitching came back twice as bad. Her father summoned Gilgamesh in the last war. There was no way he should still be around!

"And to think, the War hasn't even officially started yet."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean Saber is still up for grabs. Which reminds me. Our team is heading out to the skate rink for a bit of fun. Would you be interested in joining us?"

"And by team you mean?"

"Three of the current six Masters, and a few of their Servants. One of which is Sakura," said Iris immediately.

"How do I know this isn't a trick?"

"You're welcome to bring whitey if you want, if you're that paranoid. I just happen to know Sakura is actually interested in reconnecting with her _real_ sibling, and not the one she was forced to tolerate for far too long."

Rin looked conflicted, however she had been waiting for the best opening to approach her sister for months. Ever since Zouken was taken out anyway.

"Just so you know, I don't really have any idea how to skate."

"Neither does Lancer, but he's been learning through practice... and a lot of time on his ass from falling over," said Iris with a straight face.

This ought to be hilarious.

* * *

Ranma watched with open amusement as Rin tried and failed spectacularly to skate. She wasn't even wearing roller blades like Iris and Illya were, but the four-wheeled kind.

After the mess at the skating rink which had displayed a rather annoying lack of skill, Iris had decided to take up skating as a hobby, if only so she could fight while on the ice.

Last time had just been painful as hell to watch, and he was the one stuck fighting at the time.

Besides, it was funny as hell to watch the big bad heroic spirit fall flat on his ass repeatedly trying to skate.

"Ugh. I think from now on I'll sit out when she goes skating," said Lancer, holding the wall like a lifeline.

"You are doing much better than before. Maybe you're thinking too much?" said Ranma.

"There's an idea! How about you try focusing on me rather than what your feet are doing?" said Iris, grabbing Lancer without much warning.

"Ack!"

Ranma watched with open amusement as Lancer reluctantly learned how to skate, even if it was slightly embarrassing to be holding onto Iris the entire time.

On the plus side, he wasn't falling on his ass as frequently when he had his attention on Iris.

"They make a good couple," said Kiritsugu. He might join them at the rink, but he didn't have any interest in skating.

"If they survive after the war, I wouldn't be surprised if they run off together," admitted Ranma.

"You're okay with that?"

"Iris isn't me. She's a separate body, and we're more like twins at this point. So long as she's happy, I don't care if she falls for her Servant. He's good for her."

Ranma was content to treat Iris as his 'twin sister' since it was far too complicated to explain the truth. And he was happy for her, practically summoning her own soul mate by accident.

"Still, watching that man's daughter fail so spectacularly at trying to stay on her feet..." said Kiritsugu, more than a hint of a smirk on his face.

Rin was more like her father than she knew. Sakura had the advantage on her, because Iris had dragged her to the rink more than once so she had far more practice. Rider was also at an advantage, though how rollerblading and her "Riding" skills matched up, he had no idea.

Archer... he was too busy laughing his ass off at Rin to notice anything. It was clear if he had a camera he'd be going nuts getting blackmail on his master.

Well, turnabout is fair play and all.

It didn't take much to 'convince' Rin that Archer had to skate as well, if only to spread the misery. She got some measure of payback watching him fall almost as much as she was.

Archer was more than a little irritated watching Shirou calmly skate in circles and doing minor tricks while he was having trouble staying upright.

Again, he had several years of practice...mostly because Iris forced him to learn with her and Illya. It was a "Sibling Bonding Activity".

"Never. Again," said Rin, looking exhausted.

"I thought it was fun," said Sakura with a straight face. So much for Rin's "perfect idol" image. The only way this day could get any better would be if she could watch Rin having a meltdown trying to figure out how to use a TV or record a show.

Magi _hated_ technology, and it was a rare one that could do more than operate a toaster or microwave.

Sakura only knew how because Iris was a huge fan of technology, particularly the internet. She couldn't repair anything worth a damn (that was Shirou's job), but she knew how to operate the TV and set things up.

So watching Rin lose her cool while out of her element was just funny.

"How are you all so good at this anyway?" demanded Rin.

"Iris' idea of a family bonding moment is to drag us out for some fun. Skating happens to be one of them," said Sakura. She was usually dragged along by default if Iris knew she could reasonably bring her. It was rare that Sakura couldn't come, and those circumstances had been dealt with.

Rin glared at them all, embarrassed because she had such a hard time skating. She hated showing weakness.

"So why did you bring me here?" she asked.

"Well it's skating night, and I figured this was as close to 'neutral territory' as you could get between masters since none of us claim the area. Which makes it the perfect time and place for you two to have a long overdue talk," said Iris simply.

Rin, suddenly revitalized, dragged Sakura over to another table. The others pretended not to eavesdrop.

"So why did their father hand Sakura over to the Makiri anyway?" asked Iris. She had never dared to ask Sakura, because she didn't want to remind her of such an awful experience.

"From what I recall, it was to ensure his daughter was raised as a Magus. Apparently he sent her over because he didn't want them fighting over who would inherit the family magecraft. The fact she went to the Matou was just a case of crappy timing for her," said Archer.

"Not to be insulting, but that man sounds like an absolute idiot," said Iris. If she ever met the bastard who left Sakura in that house, she'd punch him a good one, no questions asked.

"To be fair, he was stupid enough to actually trust Kirei Kotomine and the fake priest killed him for it before he stole the man's Servant," said Archer.

Kiritsugu placed a hand on Archer's shoulder, and said with a rather terrifying look on his face "You and I are going to have a long overdue chat about what you know of this Grail War, and your poor decision to become a Counter Guardian."

Archer winced. There was a reason why Kiritsugu was feared as the "Magus Killer."


	9. Chapter 9

"Why do you look like death warmed over?"

"I feel like death warmed over," said Archer.

"...Does this have anything to do with why the freaking _Magus Killer_ dragged you to the side while we worked out the arrangements with the Emiya family?" said Rin, tapping her foot.

"Let's just say he's relentless when he's after information," said Archer.

Kiritsugu had been a little...kinder...than he would have been considering who Archer actually was, but in the end he was like a dog on a particularly meaty bone. He dragged every scrap of information out of Archer, so they could formulate a proper plan.

So far it was looking like the entire Fifth Grail War was going to end in a stalemate, with no actual winner.

Mostly because the major powerhouses of the war weren't actually interested in winning it since they knew the truth, and once Gilgamesh was out of the way, no one could really compete with Berserker, let alone the tag team of Iris and Lancer.

And all this before Saber had even made an appearance. That was the _only_ Servant who hadn't been summoned yet.

Rin debated telling him to get off the couch, but she was just as drained as he was. Illya was _ruthless_ when it came to her family.

"Attack anyone who comes to the house, I don't care who it is. I just want to sleep," said Rin.

"Agreed."

By morning, they were still in shock, but they were at least functional again.

* * *

"Agh! Did someone slip one of the carving knives into the dishes?" said Shirou, holding his right hand as if he had been cut.

"Shirou, you know we don't go near the kitchen (except for Iris) under pain of death," said Illya from her spot on the couch.

Out of the entire house, only Shirou, Iris, Sakura or Ranma knew how to cook. At all. Out of those four, only Shirou or Sakura were allowed in the kitchens to cook meals for everyone, and Sakura never cooked alone. Iris and Ranma could cook something edible, but not very fancy.

Which meant that the kitchen was essentially Shirou's territory.

As a consequence, it was rare for them to so much as do the dishes. That wasn't to say they didn't do any chores. Ranma and Iris helped clean the house and did the laundry. Need any heavy lifting done? They were your go-to people. But dishes?

Not a chance. Not if it meant risking Shirou's wrath.

Kiritsugu took one look at the cut on Shirou's hand, and snorted derisively.

"You didn't cut yourself. It seems the Grail got impatient and chose a Seventh since no one was willing to step up to the plate."

Shirou groaned in dismay. He had agreed to stay _out_ of this stupid fight.

"Tohsaka is going to be insufferable about this."

"Do you want my old Servant, or do you want to test your luck?"

"I'll try pot luck, thanks. As interesting as Saber is, I'd rather have one that suits me rather than someone as stuck up as she was, if your stories are accurate."

Kiritsugu walked Shirou through removing the sheathe inside him (by common consent he kept it, since he was a suicidal idiot who needed the boost) and Shirou waited until the optimal time to summon Saber, the last remaining card left.

When he came out of the shed (having already informed his new Servant the rules of the house...mainly no killing or targeting the others unless they attacked first) Kiritsugu took one look at the man and promptly face palmed.

"How exactly did you summon a child version of Gilgamesh as Saber?"

"Hey! I'm not weak you know!" protested Gilgamesh.

"No, but your older self is an absolute bastard," stated Kiritsugu flatly.

"I would comment on the language, but he's probably heard worse," said Iris from where she was sitting.

"What's going on here?"

"Basically the Grail forced Shirou to become a Master, and he didn't want anything to do with King Arthur so he summoned one at random. And none of us are interested in the thing so long as it's corrupted, so the biggest issue now is to find a way to end this war permanently without summoning the actual Grail," said Iris. Then her eyes glinted. "But before we get into a rather long boring discussion about that, I have one question."

"What?" asked Gilgamesh.

"Exactly how old are you?"

"I'm fourteen."

"Perfect... Illya, Sakura, grab him."

"EH?!"

"Good luck Saber. You're going to need it," said Shirou with a rather odd look on his face. Kiritsugu recognized the glint in Iris' eyes as well, because he was definitely going to pretend to not hear any pleas for help or mercy.

"What the heck is going on...!" shouted Gilgamesh as they practically frog marched him into another room.

"What just happened?" asked Rider.

"Iris saw a new victim for her cosplay addiction and Gilgamesh can fit into all her old outfits," said Shirou without looking up from where he was doing dishes.

"...Wait, _all_ her old outfits? Including..." said Lancer, staring at the door with something resembling pity.

"I think she'll at least save those for special punishment. But there's no way I can go around with a fourteen year old wearing armor, and this way I don't have to go clothes shopping," deadpanned Shirou, making a racket to drown out his new Servant's cries for mercy. From the sound of the racket in the room, he was guessing tickling. A lot of tickling.

Gilgamesh came out looking somewhat violated, though at least he didn't stick out like a sore thumb anymore.

"The Roxas cosplay from _Kingdom Hearts_?" asked Kiritsugu, wishing he didn't know half the series his children were interested in, much less the characters.

"He wouldn't stop squirming, so we couldn't get him into the _Inuyasha_ one," admitted Illya.

"You guys are mean," he whined.

"Better you than us," deadpanned Shirou, Lancer, _and_ Kiritsugu. They had all been victims of the girls cosplay streak. And Ranma was usually quick enough to get the hell out of the house when he sensed it come up.

"Don't we have to register at the church?" asked Illya.

"Do we have to do it right now?" said Shirou.

"Do we have to bother with it?" said Iris at the same time.

She hadn't bothered to register, not after finding out who the mediator was. And it wasn't like any of their techniques were _magecraft_ after all, so the Church didn't have to clean up after the witnesses.

"Why bother. It's not like Iris would use magecraft to fight, and Shirou is more likely to use mundane guns and his damn near supernatural ability to aim on any Masters," said Kiritsugu.

Ko Gil looked very confused.

"Since we're not going to bother registering, who's up for some dancing? They recently got some new music at the dance hall and I've been wanting to drag Lancer there for days," said Iris.

"Exactly how many activities do you guys do anyway?"

"Iris loves anything that gets her moving. She once considered gymnastics but dropped it after a month when she realized she was more flexible as a martial artist than as a gymnast...that and the instructor was a bit too obsessed with Olympic potential. Her main activities are parkour, skating, dancing and watching anime. Oh and cosplay," said Sakura.

"Cosplay is fun," said Iris grinning.

"Would have pegged you for a video game addict, with all those activities," said Lancer snorting.

"She kept breaking the controllers with her absurd strength, and we got tired of buying them. Besides, if you want the gamer of the family, that would be my forte," said Illya.

Iris would get so into the game that she didn't realize she had accidentally destroyed the fragile controller until she got the electric shock from the exposed wiring. After the tenth time, she opted to stick with her anime and cosplay addiction.

Even the reinforced controllers (courtesy of Shirou attempting to cut back on expenses) broke under her absurd strength. Needless to say Berserker was automatically banned from playing any games long before being summoned.

Lancer had an amusing idea.

"Tell you what, I'll go dancing if you'll go spear fishing out in the river I fish on," said Lancer.

"I wouldn't. Who knows what sort of remnants from Caster's abomination are still there?" said Kiritsugu.

"I thought Caster was mostly sticking to the temple?" asked Shirou.

"I'm talking about the _previous_ Caster, who set up shop in the sewers and experimented on young children," deadpanned Kiritsugu. "They actually offered all the Masters a free command seal to get rid of him."

"Gross...wait, where do you normally get fish from again?" said Iris to Lancer.

"Been using a boat after I realized most of the fish near the city have this weird taint to them. Didn't know what it was, but I figure anything feeling like a familiar wasn't worth eating," said Lancer immediately.

"Who have you been renting a boat from?" asked Shirou incredulous.

"Old man Raiga. He lets me borrow this little boat with a pair of good oars so long as I don't mind fishing out some old lobster traps for him when I bring it in," said Lancer.

There was stone silence, as Iris face-palmed.

"Raiga Fujimura has been using you to smuggle things in the city without having to deal with the cops," said Iris incredulous.

"I get a free boat and he gets a free delivery of whatever's in the traps. And since I generally go roof hopping, I don't have to worry about being stopped by cops," shrugged Lancer.

Raiga didn't have to worry about the packages, because as long as he was allowed to fish in peace Lancer generally didn't care about what was in the traps. And he was a lot more reliable than having his own men sent out to get them.

"I believe I should have a word with Raiga about using Lancer as a delivery boy."

"You want to use him in the same function to upgrade your arsenal," snorted Iris. She was not an idiot.

Kiritsugu didn't bother to deny it. As long as Lancer was going to be an unofficial carrier for the yakuza, they might as well get _some_ use out of it.

Besides, they were running low on ammunition anyway.

* * *

Raiga Fujimura found himself amused. It was nice dealing with someone as pragmatic as Kiritsugu was, especially once he found out the side deal he had with Lancer.

The odd Irishman was more reliable than any courier he had, and he didn't have to worry about the packages being 'misplaced' or looked through.

And really, paying for such a service (under the table, of course) was par for the course. He was surprised it took the assassin this long to find out about the whole thing.

Not like the cops knew about Lancer, or the fact that Raiga got fresh fish from the ocean for the price of a small boat. And it wasn't like anyone could keep up with the Servant.

Kiritsugu came in with some catalogs, and left with a small confirmation slip that he'd be getting some hard to get weapons at a discount from the clan. So long as his children were kept out of clan business, they could cut deals with each other.

A week later, Lancer brought some rather...odd...packages from the harbor and handed them to Kiritsugu.

"Raiga said he doesn't mind helping you get the ammo or any upgrades, so long as you don't mind loaning me out for deliveries."

"I can't believe you're letting Lancer act as a mule for the yakuza," said Sakura.

"He knows nothing, and as far as the cops need to know he's just using unconventional bait for lobsters. So long as no one sticks their nose where it's not wanted, it's not our problem. Besides, it's a nice, stable source of extra income," said Iris shrugging.

Genma Saotome raised his son to be a thief and a con artist (not to mention cheating at gambling). While he had never stooped so low as to be a mercenary for hire (mostly because it would involve a lot of killing), he did have some rather questionable morals. Some of which had been passed to his son, despite his sense of honor.

Iris had a firm rule about the packages Lancer kept bringing (and placing). They couldn't cause direct harm (such as bombs) and Lancer wasn't required to meet any other parties outside of Raiga. She did _not_ want the label of "drug dealer" to be placed on her Servant.

Mule was acceptable, but only just. And that was because she had no idea what was in the packages, nor did she want to know. All Lancer was doing was placing or removing unknown boxes right after he finished fishing for the day, and that was it.

It didn't exactly hurt that the harbor master was being paid to look the other way.

Raiga paid them a very good sum of money, because they weren't going to pry into his business and because Lancer was always prompt in his deliveries. And frankly they needed the extra cash, because of the number of mouths in the house that needed to be fed.

* * *

They were having a perfectly ordinary spar with their weapons (Lancer with his spear and Iris with her naginata) when it happened. Without much warning, the naginata snapped in half, despite Lancer trying not to destroy his girlfriend's weapon.

Iris looked at her destroyed weapon, and Lancer didn't show any pity despite her disappointment. She loved that weapon, as it was almost perfect for her style of fighting since it gave her the longer reach she was accustomed to.

It was a sore point, but while Ranma had the strength and the reach, Iris had the speed and the intelligence. Hence why she had only picked weapons that extended her ability to hit something.

"I would say you could just get another, but I know better than most modern guys the bond a warrior has with their weapon," said Lancer.

"We'll give it a proper burial later."


	10. Chapter 10

To most people, the ceremony of mourning that Iris held for her naginata would have looked _silly_. Taiga might have joked about it had Shirou not put it in terms she could easily understand.

If she had lost her tora shinai, she would be just as upset as Iris was losing her spear.

She had modified it carefully thanks to Lancer's helpful instructions. She had spent many, many hours practicing and fighting with it. It had become as much a part of her as her arms.

But in the end, it was a mortal weapon made in modern times. The quality had taken a major hit, and eventually it couldn't handle the abuse she had heaped upon it.

* * *

 _Two nights later..._

It was the dream again. The one that she could never remember come morning.

It had started shortly after her weapon was broken beyond repair. The blade had been saved, but the wood had been shattered.

The place was bright, and there was an absolutely beautiful spear stabbed firmly in the ground surrounded by sea water. Everywhere she could see, was water.

Nearby she saw Lancer, looking about as dazed as she felt. His eyes were alert, but his stance said he was little more than half awake at best.

She found herself walking to the spear, almost unaware of why. Lancer met her, having come from the opposite direction. She felt the weight of something she had only experienced briefly, and from a much weaker source.

Divinity.

Iris wanted to look around, see what the heck was going on, but something kept her firmly in place. She could hear Lancer speaking something in his native tongue, but she didn't understand a word of Gaelic. They were circling the spear without knowing why, speaking words they couldn't keep from coming out. When they finally stopped circling and met from opposite directions, she felt something touch her shoulder and give her a _light_ push towards Lancer. Their lips met, and she could tell whoever was behind this was unbearably smug.

Both Lancer and Iris firmly took hold of the spear, pulling it out of the sea. Suddenly the view shifted, as if they were standing above the clouds. Water droplets fell and formed land.

It took Iris very little after that to realize what the hell was going on. Revelation broke the spell over her, and as a consequence over Cuchulain as well.

"What... just happened?" asked Lancer.

Iris facepalmed, then she finally noticed what she was wearing.

"Something wanted us to recreate the origin myth of Izanami and Izanagi," deadpanned Iris. She eyed the overly elaborate kimono with curiosity, but didn't try to remove it. She might be a warrior, but even she knew that she'd never be able to afford something this extravagant in a hundred years.

Nearby, she felt something else take place and peered across the clouds. It took her a few moments to realize what she was seeing, and when she did it took every ounce of control not to laugh.

Ranma was with a fox woman (definitely not a cat) who was playing the part of Izanami. As they lifted the spear and dripped the other half of Japan down, it took very little time for Ranma to catch on to what was happening. However he didn't snap out of it until someone spoke to him and his face grew pale very rapidly.

"What happened to him?"

"At a guess, I'm going to say Amaterasu-sama just told him he was now married to the fox girl," deadpanned Iris.

"How can you tell?"

"Only thing that would make Ranma that freaked out is being married."

She heard a chuckle in her mind.

She was tempted to look, but the feeling of sun bearing down on her said that was a very _bad idea_.

 _Consider this incentive not to try your luck against our pantheon. A warrior is only as good as their strongest opponent._

"And it's for your own personal amusement watching him explain he's already married to a kitsune, right?"

She heard the chuckled from Amaterasu herself. It figured that the sun Goddess was a bit mischievous.

Iris looked at Ranma, and the two shared a silent agreement. It didn't help that he had woken up with a very cheerful kitsune on top of him, who refused to let him go.

"Maximum effect?" she asked.

"Maximum effect," he agreed.

In other words they wanted the others to do their own spit take when they told them what happened. Tamamo no Mae's presence alone was testament _something_ happened last night.

Which was why they waited for everyone to either have a drink or food in their mouth before Iris cheerfully informed them _something_ weird had happened last night. Tamamo, who had been waiting silently for her queue, promptly tackled Ranma, who barely kept his balance to avoid falling into the table.

Needless to say there was a lot of choking and drinks doing down the wrong pipe.

As if that wasn't enough, they found more evidence that Iris and Ranma had a very weird encounter _while they were sound asleep_ when Iris went to look at her blade. She had planned to find a sword smith that could put it on a more sturdy pole, one that could take abuse.

What she found (to the shock of everyone in the house) was that her naginata was _perfectly intact,_ as if Lancer hadn't accidentally destroyed it during a sparring session. More than that, Gil could FEEL the divinity coming off the damn thing.

"What," started Shirou.

"The," continued Illya.

"Hell," finished Kiritsugu.

Tamamo practically bounced up and down in eagerness, which caused her not inconsiderable 'assets' to bounce with her.

"Oh, oh, oh! I can explain!"

"Please do. It was bad enough when Iris somehow _summoned_ her original self during a simple ritual when she was just supposed to get Lancer," said Kiritsugu, looking at the liquor cabinet longingly. Shirou promptly pulled out some of the stronger bottles (raided from the Einzbern castle) and poured him a cup. Once he was properly buzzed, Tamamo began explaining.

"Amaterasu-sama, among others, took notice of Saotome Ranma after what he did to Saffron of the Phoenix tribe. While he wasn't a true god, but the great-grandson of one, he still had enough divinity in his bloodline to make him on the same level as a 'weaker' god. So when they realized he had gotten mixed up in the Grail Wars, along with his 'sister', they came upon a brilliant idea on how to keep him occupied enough that he wouldn't challenge a true god out of boredom...and at the same time reward him for becoming stronger than any mortal so quickly. Most don't achieve his level of power or skill until they're ancient, and ugly," said Tamamo, her tail twitching behind her.

Ranma twitched at the implications. So the gods didn't want him bothering them, so they saddled him with a _wife_ to keep him occupied because he had achieved the higher pinnacles of martial arts before he was twenty?

"And the naginata?" asked Kiritsugu.

"Oh, that was a reward for Iris. It also allowed Amaterasu to tie in her present with a way to renew the magic in Japan. It's not the first time Izanami and Izanagi were reincarnated into human form, nor will it be the last. It's the first time in several centuries they were able to tie it into a proper renewal/wedding ceremony though," said Tamamo.

"Question. Is this marriage legally binding enough to keep any of the 'fiancees' from coming after him trying to get in to your newly created relationship?"

Tamamo's face didn't change from her cheerful demeanor.

"If any of them tries to take him, I've been given full permission from Amaterasu-sama to blow them all sky high, and then drag him to the Emperor to sort everything out once and for all. She was appalled at how close his father came to ruining his chance at finding love. Coincidentally... I have spells to keep cats from coming within fifty feet of you."

Ranma's expression went from unhappy to completely blank.

"So just to be clear, all those damn contracts I was honor bound to complete, including the one with the Amazons because no one told us their laws are now null and void by the will of the Goddess. Furthermore I'll never have to deal with the animals that eat mice and drink milk ever again," said Ranma impassive.

"Again, our marriage is half reward, half incentive to leave them alone."

"...Are you actually crying?" said Illya in disbelief and amusement.

"Hell yes I'm crying! I'll give Amaterasu as many offerings she wants for the rest of my life for getting me out of that mess!" said Ranma. He wasn't crying tears of despair...these were tears of relief and _joy_.

"I'm just happy to have my spear back! Coincidentally does that marriage thing also apply to me and Lancer?" asked Iris, hugging her newly repaired naginata like one would a stuffed animal.

"Yup! Even if you use up all your command seals, he'll stick around. Consider it a gift from the gods," said Tamamo cheerfully.

Iris squealed, before tackling Lancer.

"I thought she was a lesbian?" said Illya.

"More like a very selective bisexual," said Sakura. "She'll sleep with practically any girl, but when it comes to guys she has much higher standards."

"Oh?"

"They have to be able to keep up with her. She doesn't like the idea of being...frustrated...because the guy happened to lack stamina," explained Sakura with a straight face. She knew _that_ feeling all too well. Fortunately that's what she had Shirou for now.

Kiritsugu seemed to resign himself to the fact his adopted daughter was married before she was twenty, let alone _graduated_.

"Just in case you were planning to consummate the wedding, for the love of Amaterasu have it somewhere _other_ than here. It's bad enough I know what you get up to with Sakura and Rider, I don't need to accidentally walk in on you two just because of the location."

Iris gave him a salute.

"Will do. Come on Lancer, we're heading to the castle for some fun. You can go fishing later," said Iris.

Illya looked at her father expectantly. He looked back at her with a flat expression.

"Not with Shirou, and not before you've been dating the same person for more than a year. I can look the other way if you're with Sakura and Rider, but not at the idea you'll turn me into a grandfather before you turn twenty one," said Kiritsugu.

"Deal," said Illya pleased.

"So... when are we going to..." asked Tamamo expectantly to her new husband.

Ranma blanched.

"Not today, and not until you can find me a quality therapist for all the crap I went through," he said quickly.

All the ones he tried to go to ran like hell when they found out who he was and where he came from. Something about the "Nerima Madness" being infectious to unfortunate outsiders.

Tamamo pouted.

* * *

Archer took one look at the naginata that 'tried' to take his head off and knew something was different about it immediately.

Once he was in a position that Rin couldn't read their lips, he asked.

"What happened?"

"The Shinto pantheon didn't want Ranma or myself to test our skills against them, so they gave us an incentive/reward. Ranma was married in the eyes of the gods and now has a permanent shield against his multiple fiancees, and I got my spear back with an upgrade," said Iris cheerfully.

Archer stared at her.

"Why?"

"We reached a level most don't until they're old and gray, and he took out a demi-god who was almost at the same level as a real one before this entire mess started. Like I said, it was an incentive for him to leave them alone," said Iris.

"...I would call bullshit, but you two create chaos just by breathing. Think you could barter a deal with the gods so I can get rid of the chain I have around me?" asked Archer seriously.

"I'll have Tamamo ask," promised Iris.

They waited until Rin was in class before she had Rider tell Archer the response to his request.

"They said they might consider it if you agree to act as Iris' Servant since they effectively took out Lancer," said Rider tonelessly.

"They _what_?"

"They brought Lancer back to life, properly, and thus rendered her Command Seals useless. You could probably attach yourself to her fairly easily, so long as you agree not to kill Shirou later."

"If it means I'm not a counter guardian anymore, I'll go under a geass," said Archer flatly.


	11. Chapter 11

The effects of the "ceremony" that the mismatched twins had performed weren't felt for a good week and a half. During that time, Iris and Archer had driven Rin up the wall by having Iris "steal" Archer.

By this point Cuchulain or "Lance" as he called himself, was enjoying being _alive_ again. After they confirmed that Iris was no longer considered an active "Master" through the simple fact Lancer could no longer Astralize, he promptly went out on a drunken binge to celebrate, dragging Kiritsugu with him.

"Gah, I'm _soooo_ bored!" complained Iris.

"Why don't you go 'play' with Lance then," said Sakura, sipping her tea.

"He's off fishing again. Or delivering those mystery packages to old man Raiga," said Iris dismissively.

"Actually I was trying to evade this weird guy with a crap ton of weapons in his sleeves," said Lancer, annoyed.

Iris paled impressively.

"Weird guy with a crap ton of weapons in his sleeves?" she repeated.

"Please tell me he made a mistake and that Mousse didn't follow us here!" said Ranma, having heard the last bit.

They all heard the door open and even Illya and Gil (who were over by the TV watching anime) perked up hearing the unfamiliar voice. Ranma and Iris both paled, and Iris was quick to run and grab her naginata and her bag from the other room, before ducking in front of Illya and Gil.

They didn't know why she was acting so weird, but as long as she didn't somehow block the TV they weren't going to ask.

"Shit! It's Mousse!" yelped Ranma, recognizing the near-sighted idiot immediately.

The second Mousse (with glasses taped on in a way he couldn't remove them) recognized Ranma, he went into a berserker mode. It was only because he wanted to eat without ordering out that Ranma was able to direct the idiot outside the house and into the yard.

Because of the commotion, Illya, Gil, Tamamo, Iris, Shirou, Sakura and Rider all came onto the porch to cheer Ranma on...mostly because Mousse made a mess of the dining table. Getting a new one was going to be a massive headache.

And then everything went pear shaped, in no small part because Mousse could be an absolute idiot sometimes and had somehow gotten his hands on an item his Elders had sealed away for a damn good reason.

Namely, because time travel paradoxes were an absolute _bitch_ to clean up after in a way that wouldn't leave even more complaints on their doorstep.

And wouldn't you know it, the moron activated said artifact right as Kiritsugu arrived to see what the commotion was about...and was subsequently caught in the same light as his children and their friends/Servants.

At least he was given a second shot at saving Irisviel and Maiya again, and Illya was stuck in the same predicament.

* * *

 _Fourth Grail War, one month before the first actual battle..._

Iris Emiya had a bitch of a headache, but on the plus side she was with Lancer and Archer EMIYA, and she had her naginata and her away bag. She had spent enough time as Ranma to know that as long as you had the essentials (clothes on your back and whatever weapons you preferred to carry), the rest of the details were unimportant.

It wasn't until she visited the house and realized it was now derelict (and lacking the many, many upgrades Shirou had made in the kitchen) that she knew the idiot known as Mousse had done something monumentally stupid. The second she found out the date, she started swearing rather impressively.

"What just happened and why does the house look like..."

"That jackass threw us back in time. My guess is that he's trying to kill or defeat Ranma in the past, since there's no way in hell he'd be able to beat him now. Ranma's body received a lot of conditioning he'd have to redo, whereas Mousse would think he has the advantage because they're in their younger bodies," said Iris.

"Wait, why weren't we affected?" said Lancer.

"You're Servants, and you didn't exist in this time. Except Archer, but I'm guessing Shirou is in his old body and there couldn't possibly be room for two of him."

"Wait...wasn't Sakura often tossed into the Worm Pit in this time?" said Archer, paling.

"...How much you want to bet I could bribe Kariya into helping us rob the place a second time in exchange for saving her?"

"No bet," said Archer.

"Let's go find out where the others landed. If nothing else we can steal an abandoned house or something," said Iris.

"Or you could wait a month for Kiritsugu to show up, possibly with Illya-chan, and then visit the castle," said a voice behind them.

"Thank Amaterasu! I was almost afraid that you'd get stuck in your adult self or something!" said Iris with genuine relief.

It was Ko-Gil, or as he insisted on being called after they got him hooked on the game series, Riku. Apparently he liked the stoic, if very loyal character from the _Kingdom Hearts_ franchise, to the point he started wearing a Riku cosplay (with or without the black coat) regularly.

Gil grinned at her.

"Silly onee-chan. My adult self and my younger self are so different that the odds of us merging are almost nonexistent!" said Gil happily.

"I take it Shirou is with his birth parents at the moment?" said Archer.

"He's getting used to having his original memories back, so he's writing as much of it down so he can remember it later just in case," confirmed Gil.

"Right. Let's see what we have on us, because there's no way I'm dealing with the massacre of the Fourth Grail war without getting smashed first," said Iris flatly.

The Servants had their regular clothes, their noble phantasms (Gil had most of his cosplay outfits, his anime and manga collection, and the widest selection of games and consoles, portable or otherwise, still in his Gate of Babylon) and a fishing pole (Lancer).

Iris had her naginata, her clothes (Gil had a few that could fit her in a stretch, all cosplay), her wallet and a bag she had grabbed just in case. She had _expected_ Mousse to be up to something when she found out he was in Fuyuki after Ranma, which was why she came prepared with her usual kit whenever she went out on her training trips.

Mousse was an absolute idiot. Still, thanks to the fact she remembered how stupid he was, she still had the important things. Like her cell phone for instance.

"Time to see who came and who's back home," said Iris.

The first number she dialed was Kiritsugu. When she got his voice mail (confirming it was him) she left a cryptic message that meant nothing, except he would recognize her voice and the nickname she had.

" _Izanami's Spear lays in wait in Fuyuki City."_

The next number she dialed was the Tendo Dojo. In this time period, caller ID wasn't as common, and she knew for a fact they didn't have it on their machine.

She got Kasumi, who fortunately was more than happy to call Ranma over.

" _Hello?"_

"Hey Jackass, did Mousse get you too?" asked Iris.

You could feel his relief through the phone.

" _The dumbass duck got a lot of people from what I can tell. Maeve called an hour ago to confirm that I was around. What about the sword?"_

"Shirou is with his parents, Gil, Lancer and Archer are with me. What about Tamamo?"

" _She's in fox form. Something about how she has to be summoned properly before she can block these stupid contracts."_

"You do realize Caster was summoned last minute, and from what I can tell, he's not here yet, right? Just summon her for the Fourth Grail War and get your ass over here," said Iris impatiently.

" _When I find Mousse, we are going to kick his ass and force him to reverse this,"_ deadpanned Ranma.

"Agreed. If nothing else we can stir some chaos in Nerima and piss off the Kuno idiots," said Iris.

" _...When can you get here and how long can you stay?"_ asked Ranma in all seriousness.

Realizing the potential at getting back at some of the bastards who had made their lives hell for _years_ , Iris cackled. Evilly.

"Oh no," groaned Lancer.

"What?" asked Archer, unaware of what the cackle meant.

"She's going to drag us into something that will create untold chaos for years to come, just because she can."

Archer stared at him.

"How can you tell?"

"I got the same vibe off her when we first started fighting Berserker as a tag-team," deadpanned Lancer.

"Come on boys, we're heading to Nerima to spread chaos, confusion and all around anarchy!" said Iris far too cheerfully. "Oh, and help Ranma bring Tamamo back, so he can use her as a meat shield against the sharks known as his fiancee's."

She wasn't Ranma, and therefor she had absolutely _no_ reason not to throw Akane into the deep end by setting Tamamo on her.

They were about to leave the courtyard to get something to eat before heading to Nerima when her phone went off.

It took point-five seconds for her to recognize the voice.

"Hey dad. Yeah, kinda figured you were caught in this mess too. Archer, Lancer, Gil and Shirou were dragged here as well. Not sure about Sakura and Rider, but we'll be robbing the Matou mansion and possibly teaming up with the Master of Berserker in this war later. So Illya and Herakles are with you? Got it. No, we're going to visit Nerima and possibly cut off that creepy Caster from this war by having Ranma summon Tamamo instead. Apparently his curse is still active, but I doubt I'd be affected by it," said Iris. She listened to the other end.

Lancer went inside, got some water and lightly splashed her with some cold water. Nothing happened.

"That would be a no on me being cursed as well. Yeah, we'll be back if you need us. I suppose we could show up and spread confusion by summoning Lancer."

That was sure to cause untold mayhem, having _three_ Lancers in the war, never mind how Gilgamesh would react to his child self being around.

Iris nodded.

"Yeah, we'll see you in a month. Have fun with your wife," said Iris. She closed her phone. "Okay, so Dad wants to keep things as close to the original timeline, but he said he'd rather deal with Tamamo trying to jump Ranma than the Caster that was originally summoned. Apparently he was behind most of the deaths for children in this war."

"Food first, then chaos," said Lancer.

"I wonder if I could summon the Lancer of this war. I mean from what I remember of Dad's stories, he pretty much got the worst master possible, and ended up having to kill himself in the end, despite the fact his only wish was to serve a Master without repeating his legend."

"Who was the Lancer of this war?" asked Cuchulain.

"First of the knights of Fianna, Diarmuid of the Radiant Face," said Iris.

Cuchulain winced. Even he knew of Diarmuid's legend.

"Yeah, I think I can live with you summoning him. What about Archer though?"

"Whatever that boy did, he seemed to cut me off. I can no longer Astralize, so I suppose she could summon a new Servant."

"Welcome to the club then," deadpanned Cuchulian.

"Time for a bit of fun then!" said Iris cheerfully.

Sure she'd have to alter the circle a bit, but with any luck she'd be able to summon a new Servant and cut off a major ass from being a Master.

* * *

Diarmund didn't know how to react to his rather battle-crazed Master. She was already married to another guy who introduced himself as Cuchulain, the Hound of Ulster. The other just called himself Emiya.

On the plus side, she had absolutely zero interest in Diarmund himself, despite his charm spot, which was a major plus. And while she openly admitted to being a battle nut, she also planned to win this war with some honesty.

Some. Not all. And why did she insist he wear such strange attire? Even the infamous Hound of Ulster wore something rather odd.

"Iris is a cosplay addict. And odds are she'll have to wear costumes later just to avoid the chaos that is Nerima. Besides, the real war won't even start for a full month," said Emiya.

"How do you know that?" asked Diarmund.

"Long story, one that is easier to tell once you're properly drunk," deadpanned Cuchulain.

Diarmund looked at the hound with disdain.

"A true knight should never get drunk," he replied.

Cuchulain looked at him in the eye before he started cracking up.

"Wait, don't tell me. You think she needs _protecting_ from the other Servants, right?" he said, laughing. Diarmund's expression said volumes. Cuchulain laughed harder.

"Please tell me we have enough time for you to kick his ass and prove him otherwise," he begged.

Iris perked up, before a wicked grin appeared on her face.

"I think we can arrange a little sparring match. We need to see how good his skills are anyway," said Iris far too cheerfully.

Diarmund would never question her skills as a Master or a fighter again. She kicked his ass, hard. And that was after he stopped holding back to show her the difference in their skill levels.


	12. Chapter 12

The first thing Iris did upon entering Nerima...was to see what part of the timeline they were stuck in. Ranma was closer to Kiritsugu's age _now_ in their timeline, so obviously he would forget a few things.

Then Tatewaki saw her, immediately recognized his "pigtailed goddess" and started harassing her for a date. In public. Completely missing the ring Gil had so thoughtfully given to Cuchulain after hearing the full issue with Nerima.

If they proved they were already married, then Genma wouldn't be able to try and use her for even more fake marriage contracts, and she could live on her own. The legal age for people to get married in Japan without parental consent was 16, and Iris was seventeen now.

Of course having to create a marriage license and everything else for when someone went looking for it (she knew Nabiki well enough that she _would_ look for a license) made everything legit enough that Cuchulain didn't get into too much trouble for stepping in when her patience went out the window.

"Hands off my wife brat," he growled.

Seeing her rage almost visible in the air around her, it took the idiot a few seconds to realize she had a ring on her finger (and so did Cuchulain, just a little less decorated).

"You... _PERVERT!_ "she screamed loudly, punching him so hard that it broke his jaw and sent him crashing into a nearby store.

"I would feel sorry for him, but he brought it on himself by accosting a married woman," deadpanned Emiya.

"He deserves a lot worse than a broken jaw," snarled Cuchulain.

"Oi! Iris! Over here!" shouted Ranma, jumping over an out-cold Kuno with ease.

"Hey bro! Long time no see!" she replied.

Ranma took the new title with ease. Nabiki was terrifyingly good at ferreting out information, and it was easier to claim Genma had somehow forgotten about his 'daughter' than it was to explain the truth. Even for Nerima, time displacement and magical wars was a bit out there.

* * *

 _In the Tendo house..._

"You have a _sister?!"_ seemed to be the general consensus.

"Iris didn't go on the training trip with me, but she managed to reach us occasionally. She really doesn't like Pops though."

"Is that a real wedding ring?" asked Nabiki, eyeing the rings on Cuchulain and Iris' fingers.

"After finding out what that ass Genma did to Ranma, do you really think I'd leave my love life to him? There are words for girls with several boyfriends and very few of them are good. Besides, Lance can actually keep up with me," said Iris flatly. Nabiki nodded in complete agreement.

"So why hasn't he mentioned you before?" asked Soun.

Iris was a devious bitch, and thus came fully prepared for the classic anime plot holes. She held up a shampoo bottle.

"What is that?" asked Akane.

"Amazon special shampoo. With the right acupuncture points and herbs, you can erase or block memories. I caught up to him early on in the training trip and made damn sure he didn't arrange a marriage for me just to get out of paying his debts. Marrying Lance was a more...permanent...method of avoiding Genma's stupidity. As for mom, well she's more of a hit and miss because of her friends. She has some really screwy ideas, and I wasn't about to get suckered into falling for the same trap she did."

"Wait, your mother is still alive?!" said Akane.

"Alive, and Genma lied about her to Ranma telling him that she died. She lives a few towns over, but I'm not calling her here until we get this fiancee mess straightened out."

Akane perked up at the idea.

"Please tell me you have a way out of this stupid arrangement."

"I have one alright. It's called hiring a damn good lawyer who can explain to them all that Genma voided all the contracts he made because Japan doesn't support polygamy," deadpanned Iris. She pointed her chopsticks at the Tendos "And that includes the contract made with Soun. Not that that one would have held up in court anyway. Neither of you are emotionally mature enough to deal with this."

"She's got you two pegged," snorted Nabiki. She had always thought this arranged marriage thing was a stupid idea. Akane was still very young and she had a lot of issues to deal with. And Ranma...well thanks to Genma's stupidity he kept having a lot more issues piled on top of an already bad situation.

"We can't afford a lawyer to straighten out this mess!" said Soun.

"You can't. Give me a week and I'll be able to afford the best attorney in Japan to clean this up," said Iris flatly. She was so going to abuse Gil's Golden Rule to get the money they would need.

Iris waited until later that night when she spotted Kodachi to realize when they had popped up.

"Kodachi?" she guessed.

"Yup. Think you can take Akane's spot once she sprains her foot trying to practice?" said Ranma.

"Happily. If we play our cards right we can get rid of the Amazons as well," said Iris.

* * *

"OW!"

Iris winced, but at least this way they could kill a few birds with the same stone. She was glad she didn't mention she could probably heal the ankle with a few needles.

"I take it Akane went too far and hurt herself?" she asked, coming in the room.

"Yup."

"Good thing I actually prefer fighting without using my bare hands and feet," deadpanned Iris.

Seeing the hope spring up in Akane's eyes, Iris pulled out a tessen, or battle fan.

"Hold it! Official rules state no overt weapons!" said Nabiki, holding up a rule book.

Iris pulled out a second book.

"Check again. Blunted weapons may be used provided no mortal injuries are made. However, weapons made from gymnastic equipment, like spikes and blades may be used provided that they aren't used to cause injuries directly," corrected Iris. Nabiki went over to another chapter. She found the list of exceptions.

"Here it is. 'Weapons such as tessen must be blunted, or be grounds for disqualification'. But how do we know that she can fight?" asked Nabiki.

Iris grinned evilly.

"Oi, Lance, wanna spar?"

"Always!"

Lance and Iris had a pair of collapsible bo staffs, and used them like spears. They left the Tendo sisters staring in shock as Iris expertly delivered strikes, parries, and blows. She even demonstrated a rather strong skill in the Saotome school of aerial combat, using her staff like a launch pad.

Ranma smirked.

"Any other questions?"

"Yeah, why the hell didn't your dad take you with him on that training trip?" asked Nabiki.

"Same reason why your father won't train Akane in the more advanced applications of your family style. He's a misogynist pig who thinks that only boys can be warriors. And with her temper it's going to get someone hurt unless she gets some actual training outside of shattering bricks," said Iris flatly.

As much as Akane and her sisters wanted to defend their father, the fact was that she had hit a nail on the head. Soun had suddenly stopped training Akane outside of the basics, and without any real classes, she was unable to learn by example. Part of her rage was because she _knew_ her father thought that girls were weak, hence why he wouldn't train her anymore.

Kuno had only made the situation worse by forcing the boys to fight her every morning.

"Hey Akane, if you want I can teach you how to use weapons," said Iris.

"Sold!" said Akane. Finally, someone who would train her!

* * *

"Miss, your name?" whispered the referee.

"It's Misses, and the name is Irisviel Emiya," said Iris.

"Is it a good idea using that name?" asked Ranma.

"Not like Nabiki would be able find a birth certificate for her, but the marriage license is public record," snorted Iris.

The referee wisely didn't ask about the fact that the "twins" had different last names, considering she could see the wedding ring.

"You! What claim do you have on dear Ranma?"

"He's my twin brother, and before you try to push that idiot older brother of yours on me, I happen to already be married," deadpanned Iris. She reached behind her, and through the application of the hidden weapons technique, pulled out her bo staff. With a little twirl, it extended into a full one.

"Weapons aren't allowed in Gymnastic Martial arts!" said Kodachi.

"Check the official rules again. It specifically states that no _bladed_ weapons are permitted, but blunted versions are acceptable," Iris shot back.

The judges were quick to pull out their official rules.

"Use of blunted weapons is valid!" they proclaimed.

Iris smirked at Kodachi very smugly. These were the same idiots who allowed a lot of weird things to be used in place of weapons, including a pig and Kodachi's own _brother_. And since she had left her personal weapon at home, and she brought out the training equipment from her club, it was obvious that they'd be allowed.

Kodachi was _screwed_. She just didn't know it yet.

"Iris, cut it out with the maniacal laughter. You're putting yourself at Kuno-level disturbing," said Ranma.

"You're right, no need to drop to their level of absurd obsession and insanity," said Iris. Queue double glares from _both_ Kuno siblings.

"Hajime!"

"Fast!" was the word on many minds as Iris took initiative. Her staff was like a blur, and Kodachi had to bring out several tricks to avoid being hit. She had no idea Iris was still at her slowest setting.

"HA!"

Kodachi narrowly avoided the sweep, forcing her to jump high in the air. She didn't miss the smirk on Iris' face. Using the bo staff as a launching pad, Iris flew higher before she started to jab the staff like she would her naginata.

The insane girl couldn't block all the attacks, and it was clear she would have one _hell_ of a bruise later.

What happened was a one-sided slaughter. Even when Kodachi brought her older brother Tatewaki up into the arena as a weapon (he was promptly sent flying through the roof of the gym with far too much glee by Iris) didn't help her cause. Iris was far better trained in the use of a staff weapon, and her acrobatics kept in line with the 'gymnastic' theme of the fight.

Kodachi Kuno was left one big bruise by a gleeful and barely tired Iris. Not even her attempts to barely skate the rules protected her from the relentless assault of Iris.

"Winner, Iris Emiya!"

* * *

"Come on man, we're begging you to introduce us to your sister!"

"Even if I did, which I won't, there's no point. She's already married," said Ranma dryly.

"Seriously? She's only seventeen!" whined one of his classmates.

"Long story short is that our dad has this habit of making arrange marriage contracts to get out of debt. After Iris found his journal and realized he might do the same to her once he remembered her, she wiped out his memory of her existence and got hitched the first chance she could," said Ranma flatly.

"Dude...that would make you a harem king!" said one of the dumber boys.

"No, it just means a shit ton of legal fees clearing up the mess he left behind because Japan doesn't practice polygamy and barely acknowledges the idea of a mistress. And Kami-forbid that I have to figure out who's the legal wife and who's the mistress considering how many girls dad tried to sell me off to," said Ranma. He grimaced. "And considering the screwy ideas my mother has about being a man, I'm glad she didn't join in."

Suddenly a figure went flying past them. It took Ranma a few seconds to realize it came from the skating rink behind them.

"What the hell?" said the others.

"Iris," sighed Ranma. He recognized the fist print.

Looking past the hole, he saw a visibly vibrating Iris and a very annoyed Cuchulain glaring at the boy who went flying.

"Don't touch my wife, jackass!" said Cuchulain.

"I accept your challenge," said the boy, with remarkable recovery.

Iris facepalmed.

"Lance, are you in the mood for a martial arts skating competition?" she deadpanned.

"Eh, I trust your skills, so sure. This place is beyond screwy though," said Cuchulain.

"You do of course realize that this means we'll have to have matching outfits and everything, right?" said Iris evilly.

"Am I allowed to punch that brat more?"

"That would be a yes."

"Then I can live with your evil cosplay addiction," deadpanned Cuchulain.

"This is going to be hilarious," said Ranma, snickering. Iris was a skater by hobby. She could skate rings around these idiots.

* * *

Ranma had a perverse sense of enjoyment watching the expressions on the faces of everyone as Iris and Lance not only defeated the "Couple Cleaver", but the way Iris literally launched off the rink's wall to land a nasty punch in the Azusa's face. She knocked more than a few teeth out with that move. More than that, the idiot who partnered with her got a face full of Cuchulain's fist, which gave Mikado a rather ridiculous look of his own.

Iris and Lance's moves were flawless. While some guys might feel a bit emasculated being treated like the 'female' of the skating pair, he didn't care. He knew Iris was the better skater, and their trust was absolute when it came to fighting.

"On second thought, I think we'll stick to the other girls," said one of the boys.

"Your sister is _scary_ when she's pissed."

"Well...her nickname is Izanami when she has her actual weapon. You've never seen her fight seriously," said Ranma.

Even Akane could never convince her to go all out, despite the fact Iris was training her much like she would any of the girls in her martial arts club.


	13. Chapter 13

Iris didn't even blink when the wall collapsed. She knew what was going on.

Which was why she caught the massive weapons in her hands and destroyed them with her absurd strength. Unlike Ranma, she hadn't lost any of her gained skills from the split or the sudden time travel.

She _hated_ magical artifacts.

" _What's your problem? Is this how an Amazon should behave while operating in a foreign country? Your elders would be ashamed of you!"_ said Iris in Mandarin.

"I kill!" said Xian Pu in accented Japanese.

Iris looked at her brother in annoyance. She took the water pitcher and dumped it on him, revealing a _second_ red head who looked identical to the first.

" _Kill who?"_ she asked smugly.

Xian Pu looked between them, her mouth wide open in shock, before an epiphany hit her.

" _Jusenkyo?"_ she asked.

" _Jusenkyo and the fact our idiot of a father doesn't speak a word of Chinese, much less whatever dialect the Amazons use, let alone know the laws. I have a cell phone if you want to contact your Elders and explain the truth to them,"_ said Iris helpfully.

It was on the "Kaleidoscope plan" which meant that Zelretch had at some point gotten his hands on the thing and made it so that you could literally call from anywhere and anywhen.

Iris walked Xian Pu through the process of using a cell phone, and once she was in contact with her great grandmother, the current leader of the village, there was some heated Chinese spoken. Thanks to the fact Iris was fairly fluent in Chinese (Ranma had some ability to speak it, but wasn't good enough to keep up) she caught most of the conversation.

Xian Pu handed the phone to her. Iris cheerfully took it, before speaking to Kon Lon.

"Well?" asked Ranma.

"She's coming here to to confirm that you did fall into the Spring of Drowned Girl. Speaking of which, the lawyer I hired should be about done with sorting out the number of contracts that idiot made and voiding the one with the Tendo family."

Ranma made a face.

"What about her?" asked Akane.

"She'll stay with me, since her Japanese isn't very good and it's a lot easier to explain once her great grandmother comes."

"Does this mean training is off for tonight?" asked Akane. Iris had been teaching her the advanced application of the Anything Goes style, since Ranma was too pig headed to consider it. It didn't hurt that Iris had the patience and experience in teaching.

"Not a chance in hell. If you're going to beat that complete idiot within an inch of his life for the hell he's put you through over the years, I'm going to double the training."

Soun refused to teach her, Genma _couldn't_ teach worth a damn, and while there were several martial arts teachers, none of them could teach her the finer techniques of the Anything Goes style.

And while none of them knew where Iris had learned the art considering Genma's view of women (he was a misogynist, enough said), none of the sisters were complaining considering Akane's anger issues were taking a strong hit.

Why, she only called Ranma a pervert once a day, as opposed to multiple times a day with a hit from her mallet.

It was a vast improvement.

* * *

Kon Lon took one look at Iris and Ranma in his girl form, before speaking to Xian Pu.

Because they were identical twins, it was impossible to tell which one had beaten her great granddaughter. And if Xian Pu killed the wrong one, then it would only cause even further damage to her honor because only one of the girls before her had won. Killing an innocent was _not_ something she wanted on her grandchild's conscience.

So the ancient Amazon turned to Iris, the only one who spoke Chinese well enough to act as translator.

" _What would you suggest to solve this particular dilemma?"_ asked Kon Lon.

" _The problem is that the one who beat Xian Pu was not a fellow Amazon, and that no one was aware that Ranma is in fact a male. So why not make him an apprentice after the fact? That way Xian Pu's honor remains intact, and any children he has will be considered Amazons by default,"_ said Iris.

" _A sound idea. And if he happens to fall for her naturally, then no one will complain,"_ said Kon Lon appreciatively. _"What of yourself?"_

" _Well I have been studying how to use pressure points, but the one teaching me was an intermediate level at best and the good books aren't publicly available."_

Kon Lon nodded in appreciation.

It didn't hurt Iris' case in the least that she had put Genma under a full body bind point that made it impossible for him to move for the next six hours at the least, unless she applied the counter-point.

" _I see no reason why we can't train both. Especially_ _considering_ that _,"_ said Kon Lon, pointing at Iris' beloved naginata. Considering she was old as hell, she could recognize the divinity on the staff. And since Iris seemed so comfortable using it, it was obvious that she had received it personally, rather than just found it.

Which meant she had the favor of a god, and possibly her twin brother as well. It was never a good idea to piss them off.

Genma was sure to be pissed, but they had long since learned to ignore his opinions out of hand.

Xian Pu made her opinion of the whole matter clear. She tried to hit Iris, who countered with a familiar technique.

" _Is that Chestnuts Over Open Fire?"_ asked Kon Lon suspiciously.

Iris snorted.

" _More like Hungry Piranha in Fish Tank Capture_. _I learned this trick from a disreputable idiot with a goldfish capture. He was pissed I was winning so easily so he brought out starving piranha and challenged me to capture them as well,"_ said Iris.

Ranma nodded, having caught most of that.

"Didn't that idiot get arrested for trying to cheat the daughter of a cop?"

"No, but some of the girls from around here did have their boyfriends pay him a 'visit' that left him hospitalized for a full month."

Kon Lon wasn't entirely convinced. Fortunately she was willing to ignore it for the moment until she had told the other Elders of her decision to solve this issue. Odds were that Shampoo would have to suffer the indignity of a Jusenkyo curse, but that was relatively harmless compared to banishment.

Iris suddenly hit her palm with a fist.

" _I almost forgot. If you want to try and pair Ranma up with Xian Pu, for the love of the kami don't allow her to fall into the Spring of Drowned cat...or any feline really."_

" _Dare I ask_ why _? And how do you know that she'll be taken to Jusenkyo?"_

" _I just took it as a given, considering from what I've heard the springs are used as punishment,"_ said Iris flatly. _"As for the issue with cats, our_ father _thought it a brilliant idea to expose my brother to the Cat Fist technique, and I happen to be highly allergic to the damn things."_

Kon Lon stared at her.

" _No one could_ possibly _be so stupid as to teach someone the Cat Fist."_

Iris hooked a thumb at the panda.

" _He's one of Happosai's two apprentices, and he took after his master in several unfortunate ways. He's also a misogynist pig who thinks a woman's place is acting as a homemaker and not as a warrior,"_ said Iris flatly.

" _You convinced me by telling me he was trained by Happosai,"_ said Kon Lon in disgust.

"What just happened?" asked Cuchulain, who couldn't hope to understand a word of Chinese.

"Iris was hashing out some of the finer, but need-to-know details of how badly the panda screwed up with me," said Ranma.

A few days later Xian Pu was recalled to the village along with her grandmother, but the damage Ranma had caused when he accidentally ate her prize had at least been smoothed over.

Apparently the fact he was trained by one of _Happosai's_ apprentices said more than enough for the Elders to be appeased. That lecherous ghoul made...impressions.

* * *

"So where are you going again?" asked Akane.

"Fuyuki. There's this tournament that happens every sixty years and the prize is a wish. I'm going to ask that my curse be cured," said Ranma.

"I've never heard of such a thing!" said Genma.

"It's not a martial arts tournament, jackass," said Ranma flatly.

It was ironic, but he had more respect for a trained assassin with broken dreams than he did for his own father. Kiritsugu could be a total dick when he was in Magus Killer mode, but he was still a thousand times better than Genma Saotome.

And yes, Ranma did know that the prize was a monkey's paw waiting to happen, but if he had to spend one more week with Soun Tendo and the jackass who gave him half his DNA, he was going to kill them both and claim a training accident.

Ranma held up a hand.

"Before any of you get the idea to join me, I've been told by the lawyer Iris hired that I have to give a disclaimer in the event it results in your injury or death," said Ranma deadpan.

Nabiki was the first to speak.

"What sort of tournament is this?"

"One where they regularly kill witnesses who aren't with the participants, and where almost anything is allowed provided you don't blow the fact that the tournament exists open to the general public. It was made by people with even less morals than the damn panda, and once you're marked you have to participate."

"Or in our case, participate in order to lower the massive death toll that's sure to follow. I have it on good authority that one of the fighters wouldn't hesitate to blow up an entire hotel just to get at one of the fighters...though he would evacuate it first. They're rather big on covering up collateral damage," said Iris flatly.

Seeing the Tendo turn green, Ranma rolled his eyes.

"A martial artist's duty is to protect the weak. If we don't go, then the death toll of innocent people will be unimaginably high. Besides, there's a little girl who needs to be rescued."

* * *

Kiritsugu was nervous, and for damn good reason. He still hadn't told Irisviel or Maiya about the fact he had been dragged into the past and that he now had _four_ children rather than just the one. And yes, he did count Ranma as his son because of Iris.

Arturia had taken the order that she was to treat Irisviel as her Master rather well. They didn't get along the first time and he highly doubted she would appreciate his methods a second time. Besides, he had enough headaches as it was.

So when sent Irisviel and the others on ahead, he decided now was as good a time as any to break the truth to Maiya. He had no intention of letting her die a second time.

Kiritsugu checked the weapons with a critical eye. If he knew Iris, and he did, then odds were she'd have Ranma summon Tamamo as Caster to avoid Bluebeard from being summoned.

If they were too late...well, he knew who to kill first, Grail War be damned.

Speaking of unintended consequences...

"Are we going to tell Maiya yet?" asked Illyasviel.

Because he had found out too late to avoid having the family homunculi to keep their mouths shut, Illya had been sent along with them.

Mostly because Jubestachiet recognized a Berserker when he saw one, and she did have active command seals. Sure it was annoying as hell being small again, but at least in this time she was supposed to be little. Herakles didn't really care either way, and she was able to cover her sudden knowledge of martial arts as Kiritsugu teaching her to protect herself from the other Masters.

Oh well. No one really looked twice about Illya accompanying him, because he knew for a fact the Berserker of this war had already been summoned to the Makiri family.

"Tell me what?" asked Maiya, her face as impassive as ever.

Kiritsugu thought fast, before he sighed.

"Illya, you get to break the truth to her while I deal with your mother," he said finally.

"Really?" said Illya rather pleased.

"I'm going to get some alcohol because Kami knows she'll likely need it. Besides, if I know that battle maniac she'll be at the wharf ready to cause untold havoc," said Kiritsugu flatly.

Illya cackled, a disturbing sound for a girl her apparent age.

"Don't forget the ice cream!"

"Like they'd let me live it down if I did."

Maiya looked beyond confused at this point.

"What is going on here?"

"You're going to need alcohol and a lot of it once Illya's done explaining why she has a Servant and why we're not overly concerned about the war itself."

Maiya had been confused at that point, because Illya shouldn't have the reserves or the reason to join the war, yet she had a fully functioning Berserker Servant and an odd amount of knowledge towards martial arts.

"What do you know of Chinese magical artifacts?" Illya decided to start with. Kiritsugu winced. He was going to need a _lot_ of alcohol without breaking into the Einzbern's stash in the castle.

Not a high enough content to get them all drunk.

* * *

Iris was grinning wildly as she watched Lancer wait for Saber. Diarmund had been left out in the cold when it came to fighting, so it was only natural that she let him fight Saber...before showing up to spread mass confusion to those not in the know.

Which was everyone except Kiritsugu, Illya and possibly Maiya at this point.

Besides, she wanted to see the showdown between Gilgamesh and his younger self.

Riku (as he insisted on being called to avoid confusion) was waiting next to her and waiting to help cause panic.

He didn't like his adult self, and the feeling was mutual, so the chance to punch the Archer spirit in the face wasn't something he planned to miss.

She wasn't disappointed. They had practically sent up road flares to Irisviel and Saber where to find them. She had to keep from cackling at the thought of their faces when they found out that there were some unexpected additions to the playing field.

It was shortly after sunset when Saber arrived. It was also the first chance Iris had to see her namesake.

She looked like an older Illya.

Iris just hoped that Lancer remembered not to attack Saber's arms with the lance that wouldn't allow it to heal naturally. In the even Bluebeard was summoned, she didn't want him to be forced to break it.

Iris watched Lancer fight Saber, and it wasn't until Rider appeared that she and Riku grinned at each other.

"Time to make an appearance?"

"Not yet. We're waiting for Berserker and Archer to show up before we cause real chaos."

And appear they did. When Gilgamesh showed his annoying mug, Riku cheerfully grinned at her before he took a running leap off the containers. The blond pain in the ass didn't even see him coming until it was too late.

Rider and Saber stared at the mini-Archer spirit cackling at having knocked his adult self off the pole.

"YOU!"

"Hello Gilgamesh, King of being a pain in the ass. Miss your inner child?" grinned Riku.

Iris couldn't hold it back this time. She started cracking up without leaving her hiding spot. Her booming laughter could be heard all over the battlefield.

This was going to be chaos on the level of someone who lived in Nerima for years. It would be _glorious_.


	14. Chapter 14

**Sorry about the delay in updates folks! Stupid computer wouldn't read my hard drive... So without further ado...MASS UPDATES!**

* * *

Irisviel wasn't the only one beyond confused. The first true fight of the Grail War (not that she knew that) had started off innocently enough. However, Rider had shown up and interrupted the honorable fight and practically demanded that they serve under him. He seemed like an honorable sort, but Saber was a former king and had no interest in following the orders of another. And Lancer had made it clear that he had already sworn to serve his Master until his demise...but that he was fairly certain she could kick Rider's ass regardless.

Then more Servants showed up, including a rather pompous Archer spirit.

Only he was practically tackled off the pole he had been standing on by a blond child who looked like he could be his son, wearing a rather strange outfit and calling himself Archer's "inner child".

That had apparently set off Lancer's Master, because she could clearly hear a woman laughing her ass off.

"What exactly is going on?" asked Saber, looking utterly confused at this point. Irisviel was just as baffled.

"Chaos!" shouted Lancer's Master with a cackle.

Archer looked pissed when he saw the blond child. The kid looked far too gleeful at pissing off the older blond for it to be healthy.

"Is anyone else confused?" asked Waver, from his spot in Rider's chariot.

Irisviel raised her hand helpfully, as did Saber after a moment's thought.

"Oh good, it's not just me."

There was a sudden flash of movement as a figure took a running leap off the containers. With how fast the blur was and how easily it landed on it's feet, one could mistake them for a Servant. No human could perform such acrobatic stunts.

However, the appearance of the figure completely threw any assumptions out the window on which one she could possibly be. She was too sane for Berserker, and Rider, Lancer, Saber and Archer were already there. No one knew what Caster looked like either.

And to all appearances, Assassin was dead already.

However if Diarmund hadn't introduced himself as Lancer already, Irisviel could have mistaken the girl for her Servant.

"Who are you to interrupt our battle?" asked Saber.

"First off, I _never_ interrupt a fight between two warriors. It's easier to see their methods if I observe in case they attack me. Second, Rider is the idiot who thought barreling into one of the best fights I've seen outside Nerima was acceptable etiquette for a fighter," said Iris flatly, glaring at Iskander.

Iskander had the decency to look abashed, because even he could tell that she was a warrior born and bred.

"Who are you?" asked Irisviel.

Iris grinned evilly.

"Me? I'm Iris Emiya. I'm sure you will have words with a certain killer about me later."

Judging by the expression on her face, Kiritsugu was in for a rough night.

 _With Kiritsugu..._

Outwardly he was the same, however he was swearing his head off silently. You could see Maiya trying not to laugh at his predicament.

 _With Iris_...

"Oi, Gil! You done pissing off your adult self or do you want to annoy him more?" shouted Iris.

"I thought you said I was allowed to fight any Servants that showed up?" said Lancer.

"Too many variables, and Rider's appearance was a total mood killer," said Iris. Lancer conceded her point.

"So you're just going to leave?" said Waver, incredulous.

"Do you really want to fight now? I mean the way he just made his entrance he pretty much killed any mood to fight. This feels more like a meet and greet to me," said Iris.

"...I hate to say this, but I agree with her. This _does_ feel more like an informal meet and greet than a battlefield," said Saber reluctantly.

"Oh trust me, well be getting to know each other in a few hours."

"WHAT?!" said Irisviel with a furious look on her face.

Iris was trying not to laugh, as she could sense the amount of cursing Kiritsugu was doing at the moment.

* * *

 _A few hours later.._.

Irisviel was _livid_ when she found Iris at the castle looking like she belonged there. That womanly fury turned to confusion when her daughter, who she knew for a FACT had never met this strange woman before, squealed loudly and tackled her in a hug.

"Iris! You made it!"

"Of course I made it! You think I'd miss causing chaos on a Nerima-level in Fuyuki because of a small time travel mishap?" said Iris cackling. Her grin only grew as she said "You should have seen the _look_ on that idiot Gilgamesh's face when Gil showed up and punched him in the face while wearing his Riku cosplay!"

Illya cackled with her.

"Cosplay and anime otaku for the win!"

Irisviel was officially lost at this point.

Kiritsugu came in, armed with bags of alcohol. He took one look at Iris, before snorting.

"There are three more bags in the car, and if you explain this properly to your mother Illya I'll give you some ordinance for when Iris gets bored enough that she infiltrates the Matou mansion. Or deals with that idiot who somehow summoned Bluebeard, despite the fact Ranma took the Caster spot with his fox."

Iris looked at him, taking the alcohol without question.

"What about that idiot lord you told me about? El-Mellio I think it was?"

"Summoned Avenger, though how I have no idea. Just get the groceries."

Iris took the alcohol and took it to the kitchen.

"Kiritsugu..." said Irisviel, looking far too sweet for it to be good for him.

"Do you want the long explanation or the short one?" he asked, wincing.

"Long one."

"There's a Chinese artifact that allows time travel in the hands of an Amazon tribe, and an idiot got his hands on it. Due to certain events from before this war, he used it and caught several people with it. Iris comes from the Fifth War, which happens ten years from now."

"Who is she?" asked Irisviel.

"She's my adopted daughter. There's something wrong with the Grail, so I ordered Saber to destroy it. It took the last two Command Seals to force her to do it, and the resulting blast started a massive fire that killed hundreds. I found two children in the remains of the blaze, and after they were cleared I adopted them."

Irisviel and Saber stared.

"There is no way that's possible. Time travel is one of the last true magics," said Saber flatly.

"I never said a _Magus_ used the artifact. And I know for a fact that there are things in this world that make no sense...like mushrooms that can add or subtract years off your age depending on how tall they are when you eat them," said Kiritsugu flatly.

In the end, Kiritsugu made damn sure that the two were able to get blackout drunk once he dumped most of the information on them. The fact he knew the identities and rough locations of the other Masters (including the fact that Kotomine had faked the death of Assassin) was enough to convince them he wasn't imagining it.

And yes, most of them were nursing hangovers come morning.

"Iris, I have good news and I have bad news for you. The good news is that I have found the general area Kariya Matou is in. the bad news is that it appears Caster was summoned before that idiot duck dropped us here."

"...Does this mean I can unleash my most delightful bag of tricks on the creep?"

"It means you get to make their lives hell while saving any children who are still living before I shoot that idiot who entered at the last second," deadpanned Kiritsugu. Now that he knew who to look for, there was no way in _hell_ he was letting that demented bastard live.

It didn't hurt that he knew who _all_ the Masters were this time around or the identity of their Servants.

* * *

It took all of three hours for Ranma to locate Kariya Matou, and even less time for him to come to an agreement with the martial artist. Though his doubts on whether or not he could actually infiltrate and rescue Sakura were clear on his face, he was willing to let Ranma try.

Though when he heard he planned to blow the place up once she robbed it, and that he could be persuaded to also rob the Tohsaka mansion (he knew Iris was pissed Tokiomi handed his daughter over without any protest whatsoever) he did have to ask that they also remove Shinji before they destroyed the place.

Iris disliked the brat, but he wasn't that annoying yet. Besides, the idea of killing kids didn't sit right with him at all.

"So I noticed back on the docks you're a really good fighter. Care to play?" asked Iris, holding her spear.

Saber eyed Iris with suspicion.

"And give you a chance to see my moves to relay it to Lancer?"

Iris looked openly offended.

"I'm a martial artist. The personal creed of my family is to use martial arts to defend the weak. If anything I'd just be trying to learn your sword style for the unlikely chance I ever use an English broadsword," said Iris flatly.

"She's telling the truth Saber. She's more interested in sparring with you than trying to learn how you fight so Lancer can defeat you later. She plays with Berserker all the time for the same reasons," Illyasviel piped up.

Saber blinked.

"Tell you what, how about we use practice weapons instead of our real ones?" asked Iris, exchanging her favorite naginata for one almost identical but without the same powers.

Archer EMIYA tossed Saber a replica Caliburn, though it was vastly weaker than the real thing. She stared at him.

"How do you have this sword?"

"Saw it once, now it's part of my Noble Phantasm," said Archer.

"So shall we have some fun?" asked Iris eagerly.

It didn't take long to realize the truth about Iris Emiya. The girl was a veritable battle nut. She lived for the thrill of challenging skilled opponents and the fun of fighting.

Saber had known a few knights like that, so it wasn't that difficult to like the girl.

Sooner than she'd admit to herself, Saber found herself enjoying her fight with Iris. She barely noted Irisviel and Illyasviel eating popcorn and cheerfully discussing the battle as if it were a play.

Illya was rather well versed in martial arts (now that the time travel had been explained, a lot of things made more sense) and was explaining them to her mother with a chipper voice. When "Riku", or Child Gilgamesh arrived to the scene, he cheerfully challenged Illya to a hand-to-hand fight on one of the balconies out of reach of the combatants in the main floor.

Irisviel was a bit startled to see her daughter happily take his suggestion and fall into an easy stance, before launching several attacks that she never thought Illya could pull off. It was pretty clear that Illya was adjusting her moves on the fly to suit her smaller frame.

Fortunately she had plenty of experience in her 'younger' form, even if her current body wasn't as used to long periods of sparring yet.

There was a loud clash, a even louder crack, and the two weapons broke in a rather spectacular way.

The two were barely breathing hard, both both were grinning madly in a manner that spoke of many repeat 'spars' later.

"It's fun to fight a skilled opponent with no strings attached, isn't it Saber?" said Iris.

Saber was actually smiling as she replied.

"Agreed. I had not expecting to have such an enjoyable match when I was summoned. Where is Kiritsugu though?"

"Daddy's blowing up the hotel that belongs to Avenger's master. Maiya's out helping him, since he knows only a suicidal moron would attack the castle with all of us here," said Illya cheerfully.

Saber twitched.

"And why is it that he's doing that instead of an honorable fight?"

"Because Avenger's Master is a typical Magus and someone who wouldn't hesitate to murder the Overseer just to get a command seal," deadpanned Archer.

"And because he knows you hate stabbing these idiots in the back. Though that idiot totally deserves a beat down. Arrogant prick," muttered Iris.

Saber clearly didn't like it. Then Iris said something that filled her with dread.

"So Irisviel... from what I understand you have a basic idea of how to drive. Think you can teach me?"

Saber, who remembered far too vividly how Irisviel drove, paled white as a sheet.

It was bad enough that her Master drove like a lunatic. The last thing the world needed was a second one.

"NO!" yelped Saber in terror.

"Why not? I think it would be a wonderful opportunity to bond with my...daughter," said Irisviel almost looking hurt.

Archer was trying very, very hard not to laugh at the look of panic on Saber's face.

"Why don't you try teaching Irisviel how to fight? Since everyone seems to believe she's one of the Masters, she's almost certainly going to be a target," suggested Gil.

Saber nodded emphatically at the idea. It was a sound idea and kept Irisviel from teaching her adopted daughter bad habits that could get others killed.

Especially any of her unlucky passengers.


End file.
